Dear Diary: We didn't touch your puppet election. Would you 'influence-peddle' a pig if you knew the pig’s fate was to become pork?
'We didn't touch your puppet election': The Chinese embassy's imagined thoughts on interference
Dear Diary: 'Would you 'influence-peddle' a pig if you knew the pig’s fate was to become pork?'
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Published Mar 04, 2023 • Last updated 5 hours ago • 3 minute read
The People’s Republic of China has hit the news in a big way these last few weeks amid a string of CSIS leaks claiming that the Trudeau government was aware of Chinese interference in Canadian elections, but refused to do anything about it.
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As the news blossoms into a scandal that may well imperil the political future of Justin Trudeau, China itself has largely been a bemused observer. China authorities have denied any role in election interference, and have otherwise spent the last few weeks staying oddly quiet.
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In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of China’s Canadian embassy.
China stands with Canada, as it does with all countries victimized by the humiliating spectre of “foreign interference.” But please, enlighten us as to the nature of this interference. Has Canada triumphantly lifted 800 million of its own people out of poverty, only to be scapegoated and demonized by sour-grapes Western politicians? Or perhaps Canada has been the victim of a century of Euro-Japanese subjugation ended only in 1949 by the benevolent and liberating struggle of the CPC?
But no, it appears Canada’s crisis of “foreign interference” is nothing more than a paranoid and hysterical reaction to a strong China standing on its own two feet. “Oh no,” they say, “there is a prosperous Chinese nation which is no longer a subservient slave to Western hegemony! Clearly it must be a menace to our democratic freedoms!”
As the emissaries of a fundamentally strong and upright nation such as China, it is sometimes difficult for us to understand the culture of poltroonish enfeeblement to which Canadians take such pride.
“Behold, our industry is decaying and rusted. Our narcotic-addled children are disrespectful to their history and elders. Our national church is a purveyor of fried doughnuts and bitter coffee. Our police are meek chocolate soldiers who surrender at the first sign of an approaching convoy of freight drivers.” How have Canadian politicians had so much time to argue over “foreign interference”? Shouldn’t they be behind a podium making a funding announcement for a bridge that’s already 10 years behind schedule?
Of particular risibility is the notion that China would pursue a political “grooming” on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Mr. Trudeau’s father was a good friend of China in league with other nationally respected Canadians such as Norman Bethune, Dashan and the cherubic songstress Avril Lavigne.
But other than that, we see no differentiation between Justin Trudeau and the various other puppets who are chosen on occasion to project a patina of independence over this Anglo-American petroleum colony. Would you “influence-peddle” a pig if you knew the pig’s fate was to become pork?
We cannot blame Canada for its anti-China prejudice, of course. As in all things, the Canadians are merely parroting the avaricious commands of their American puppet-masters. I regret to inform this country that they are already the vassals of the worst kind of “foreign interference.”
The United States has fully colonized the Canadian business sector, and yet still denies it the benefits of spray cheer or 24-hour Wal-Marts. Celine Dion – the greatest Western singer since Andy Williams – has been condemned by a jealous U.S. public to an ignominious Las Vegas residency.
As such, we should not feel anger towards our Canadian brethren, but pity. Were they to become willing partners to China’s inevitable rise, every Canadian would feel the warm sunlight of a new era of win-win cooperation and international brotherhood. But alas, Canada must hold fast to the outmoded colonialist ideals of yesteryear. Hopefully your doughnuts and beer will provide comfort when the rapacious hegemony of your American suzerain has finally passed!
Were a foreign adversary to imperil the democratic integrity of the People’s Republic, every Chinese person would stand ready to eat grass and fight to the death with sharpened spades to defend it. But even were Canada’s “foreign interference” claims to be anything except libelous Sinophobic perfidy, it is obvious to us that the complacent and solipsistic Canadian populace would be powerless to offer even the slightest counterweight.
China stands ready and willing for any clash that may be initiated by U.S. global brinksmanship, but when that day comes we would urge Canadians to at least make sure their lights are off, the fridge is emptied and the carpets are cleaned before handing us the keys.