请帮助我检查新刘越的捐款网页

  • 主题发起人 主题发起人 Riven
  • 开始时间 开始时间
有些表达不够英语化, Sorry
 
有你罩着我就大着胆子再说一句吧,口语化是一个问题,还有就是整篇文章感觉有点散,中心不够突出,也许是照着中文稿翻过来的,如果用英文直接写,应该可以写得更简洁一些。
这个我同意篆姐的,太罗嗦了,应该短点,简洁点。
 
本地英文媒体的报道比较简洁,但是都有连接到这个网页, 用户希望看到更多的内容,所以不能简洁。
 
此处将我修改的英文文字删去. Riven 被误导!大家被误导. 本人也不例外.

先送亡人, 后理善款. 卜家人做事要顺应情理!

你们的作为或无所作为会对孩子有严重影响.

如果爱过刘越, 就先做能够让他亡灵安息的事情!!!
 
最后编辑:
本地英文媒体的报道比较简洁,但是都有连接到这个网页, 用户希望看到更多的内容,所以不能简洁。
关于英语这楼里有几位造诣很深的。。肯定能改的更好。设计上你是不是可以考虑加些背景音乐(我也不知道这种场合合不合适)。。。

我昨天在我中学的群里转发了cfcnews。。一个在哈法的同学恰巧也认识刘越夫妇。。大家聊了几句。。说到了天堂,说到了悲伤和希望。。。当时我脑子里不知道为什么就冒出了这首歌。。

这是一首父亲写给儿子的歌- 悲伤但充满了希望。。
 
took a quick look, my opinion:
1. were able jump --> were able to jump
2. without many other interests --> without other hobbies
3. would cost just over $10,000 --> would exceed $10,000
 
有个text version 就好了,可以copy and paste

took a quick look, my opinion:
1. were able jump --> were able to jump
2. without many other interests --> without other hobbies
3. would cost just over $10,000 --> would exceed $10,000
 
"Just as Yue was losing all hope, a Canadian man who saw this take place jumped into the waters and took his son from his hands. "

技术上来说,我们不应该代入刘越当时的想法。无人能够考证他那时的心理、思想、感受。这样写,实在是很象小学生作文。建议还是按照英文媒体里更正式的写法。
 
大家好,第一次在CFC发帖子.

I was with Ms. Bu and her family this afternoon. CBC and CTV will be airing a story tonight for the 6pm news. Hopefully we can get more support from across the Ottawa region from kind and warm-hearted people like we have here in the CFC/Chinese-Canadian community.

If you wish to share something on social media in English, please feel free to use the following English translation of this story.

NEWS RELEASE

For Immediate Release


“I cannot save you anymore”

Canadian man drowns while on vacation in Cuba with his family


March 24, 2014, Ottawa, ON As people return from their March Break vacations, they are met with the grievous news of the death of a Canadian who drowned at a beach resort in Varadero, Cuba.

His name is Yue Liu, who immigrated to Canada from Beijing seeking a better life and opportunities for his family. He moved to Ottawa after having completed a program in Internetworking at Dalhousie University alongside his wife, Ms. Fanyan Bu, who completed her Master of Science in Computer Science at the same school. Like most newcomers, Yue and his wife kept to themselves and worked hard to make ends meet for their family and to create better opportunities for their children who were both born in Halifax. This tragic event leaves behind a widow, two young children, and two elderly parents of the widow who live in Ottawa.


It was on the afternoon of March 19, 2014, a few days into the Liu family’s weeklong getaway in a popular Canadian tourist destination at a Varadero resort. The family was feeling relaxed and enjoying the Caribbean sun. Yue and his son were playing in the ocean waters at a depth of no more than the waist of the 7 year old boy while the mother, Fanyan, and daughter, aged 9, were laying on the beach. All of a sudden, a strong wave overtook the father and son and the ensuing rip current dragged them into the ocean. Yue grabbed on to his son and tried to keep him head-above-water while screaming for help as they floated deeper into the ocean.


Just as Yue was losing all hope, a Canadian man who saw this take place jumped into the waters and took his son from his hands. “I cannot save you anymore,” were Yue’s last words to the 7-year old boy. The unidentified Canadian rescuer took the boy to shore and on his return, he saw that Yue has been dragged much further into the ocean. At this time, the resort’s lifeguard and other Canadian vacationers were able jump in and take Yue back to shore. But all was too late. Attempts at resuscitation were unsuccessful for the father. The boy was lucky to have survived as he was only seconds away from drowning. In a way, it was Yue who traded his life for his son’s survival as he used his last breathes to prevent a further tragedy.


On the advice of the Canadian Consular office, Fanyan Bu, now a widow, took her son and daughter back to Canada, returning to their cold and empty home in Ottawa.


Because Yue was an only-child, he always maintained weekly contact with his elderly parents who live in China. Family members have not yet shared this grave news on fear of the health of the elderly couple.


Yue was a typical IT guy, without many other interests other than spending time with his children and taking care of paying the bills. He was the main engine behind his family, without him, they are lost.


The Consulate office has indicated that the cost of the transportation of Yue to Ottawa for a funeral would cost just over $10,000, plus the actual funeral cost, they are likely looking at upwards of $30,000 in expenses. Without having bought any travel, mortgage, or life insurance, the Liu family is not only dealing with the tragic loss of Yue, but also faces a difficult financial challenge.


The news quickly spread to Fanyan’s neighbours and thereafter throughout the Chinese community of Ottawa. Close friends of the Liu family quickly set up a Fundraising Committee to help raise funds and they are looking for kind hearted residents of Ottawa to lend a hand to help cover costs for the return of Yue to Ottawa and for his funeral.


Over the weekend, the Chinese community has pooled together over $20,000 to the Liu family. This was thanks to the efforts of all the volunteers for spreading the news and to community websites such as comefromchina.com, an online forum, which had 26,000 views on their post about this tragic event within 24 hours.


Donations can be made by cheque to Fanyan Bu and mailed to 1363 Woodroffe Ave, Unit B Box 33074, Ottawa, ON K2C 3Y9, or Paypal and Email donations to donate2liuyue@gmail.com. A webpage has also been set-up to help raise funds at http://comefromchina.com/liuyue/.


As well, the Liu family is looking to get in touch with the brave Canadian hero who saved the life of the 7-year old boy. They hope that this news will travel to that hero and other Canadians who came to the rescue of the father. They are deeply touched by the acts of bravery, kindness, generosity, and compassion of those that came to their rescue in Cuba and back at home here in Ottawa.


---


Fundraising Committee for Fanyan Bu & Liu Family


English media inquiries can be referred to Andy Wang, 613-986-9264

Chinese media inquiries can be referred to Wenjuan Song, 613-983-8366

这是Andy Wang在另一贴里发的稿子,应该就是网页上用的这个。
 
这是Andy Wang在另一贴里发的稿子,应该就是网页上用的这个。

我怎么没有找到呢。

下面这句话,按上下文,英语通常如何表达?

This tragic event leaves behind a widow, two young children, and two elderly parents of the widow who live in Ottawa.
 
最后编辑:
我怎么没有找到呢。

下面这句话,按上下文,英语通常如何表达?

This tragic event leaves behind a widow, two young children, and two elderly parents of the widow who live in Ottawa.
你问我?我已经干活干到脑子不清醒的地步了。。。
 
" xx and his sister xxx," 。 xx 和xxx 是人名吧。 可以换成 the boy and his elder sister,总之,xx/xxx 直接换上人称代词。 村长 @ccc , 是吗?
 
我怎么没有找到呢。

下面这句话,按上下文,英语通常如何表达?

This tragic event leaves behind a widow, two young children, and two elderly parents of the widow who live in Ottawa.

This tragedy leaves the widow two young children and two elders, who are the widow's parents and living in the same house.
 
This tragedy leaves the widow two young children and two elders, who are the widow's parents and living in the same house.


刘越在北京的父母现在知情了吗?
不幸遇难的是他们的亲生独子。他们也是该多被关心的,
 
好,这就捐款去!

顶老大
 
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