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There are seven things you are forced to flat-out lie about at Christmas. Keep this list handy.
1. Traditional home-baking. It doesn’t matter if the cookies were a little dry or had burned bottoms or the fruitcake came out like a cinder block, “these are so delicious!” is the only acceptable response to homemade Christmas baking. Just chew your sawdust and lie through your stuck teeth. Some of these recipes were lovingly handed down by great-grandmothers who had to fight off winter wolves and grind flour with prairie rocks or their own bony heels. So yes, on their blessed graves, you will damned well enjoy the delicious cookies, with or without mystery jelly in the centres.
Baby Jesus is often depicted half-naked while the Three Wise Men are all toasty in their robes and headgear.
2. Displays of Baby Jesus in the manger. Employ any available fiction technique to explain why the Son of God looks two years old on the day he was born, with perfectly curled or combed blond hair, depending on which nativity scene you’re looking at, and his arms are outstretched, like he’s measuring a fish. Most day-old babies look like Winston Churchill, minus the cigar, and basically never wake up. Plus, Baby Jesus is often depicted half-naked while the Three Wise Men are all toasty in their robes and headgear. So you’ll have to fudge the weather conditions in the manger on Dec. 25, the Year 1. “He’s like, God, so of course He doesn’t look like every other baby. He’s more advanced and perfect and never gets a chill,” might be the message line.
3. Santa Claus. You’ll have to be lightning quick to explain how Santa can pose for photos and meet kids in nine shopping malls at the same time, but we trust you’ll have the whoppers lined up. If all else fails, just tell the young ones the truth: Santa can deliver all those presents to millions of children on the same night because he and Mrs. Claus incorporated and now call themselves Amazon, with a call centre at the North Pole manned by elves equipped with online tracking.
4. Funny gifts. Say, “That’s the Christmas spirit!” even after the 27th time Billy Bass starts singing Don’t Worry Be Happy, or, “Those antlers look awesome on you” while sitting around the tree or, “Oh, that’s a beautiful orange!” when you’re all putting on crepe-paper hats to partake of the festive meal with a slew of rainbow-coloured, bobble-headed kin buzzed on green crème de menthe. All those compliments are only a little white lie as, it’s Christmas, and you’re trying to save someone’s feelings.
5. At church. It is doubly sinful to tell stretchers in the House of the Lord, but Father will know exactly what’s up when you make the sign of the cross “the wrong way” or mutter something about coming down with Ebola since your last church visit at Easter. Move your lips silently but with obvious vigour during hymns you’ve long forgotten and remind everyone “I love the music at Christmas” on the way out.
Yes, but it’s a sustainable Christmas tree.
6. The tree and decorations. Be Supportive (see what I did there with the BS!) and complimentary when you hang up the decorations the children made in Grade 2 with tin foil, cotton balls, nails and seven egg cartons. That little bit of mould on the popcorn string only adds to the festive air and, yes, the set of reindeer made with a chainsaw are totally adorable. Oh, look, Rudolph’s nose is a red golf ball! That’s so neat! As for the tree, it doesn’t matter if the beautiful sapling was hand-cut on a family outing with sharp blades and matching plaid or assembled by robots in China, “the tree is gorgeous” or “wow, love that fresh pine smell” will be required loo-loos during your grand entrance to the homes of scarcely-remembered rellies.
7. The turkey. At Christmas, absolutely everyone loves meat pies and turkey. Even turkeys — and it was on the Nature channel — sit around the barnyard enjoying a beautifully roasted bird on the 25th. This is not a lie. If it so happens you don’t like meat pie or turkey, you know what to do: Shut the hell up and tell the cooks, “I just love this turkey, so moist and delicious. Perfectly cooked. But I better save room for wonderful Christmas baking!”
Finally, and in all honesty, have the Merriest, Most Mendacious Christmas ever!
To contact Kelly Egan, please call 613-726-5896 or email kegan@ottawacitizen.com.
Twitter.com/kellyegancolumn
查看原文...
1. Traditional home-baking. It doesn’t matter if the cookies were a little dry or had burned bottoms or the fruitcake came out like a cinder block, “these are so delicious!” is the only acceptable response to homemade Christmas baking. Just chew your sawdust and lie through your stuck teeth. Some of these recipes were lovingly handed down by great-grandmothers who had to fight off winter wolves and grind flour with prairie rocks or their own bony heels. So yes, on their blessed graves, you will damned well enjoy the delicious cookies, with or without mystery jelly in the centres.
Baby Jesus is often depicted half-naked while the Three Wise Men are all toasty in their robes and headgear.
2. Displays of Baby Jesus in the manger. Employ any available fiction technique to explain why the Son of God looks two years old on the day he was born, with perfectly curled or combed blond hair, depending on which nativity scene you’re looking at, and his arms are outstretched, like he’s measuring a fish. Most day-old babies look like Winston Churchill, minus the cigar, and basically never wake up. Plus, Baby Jesus is often depicted half-naked while the Three Wise Men are all toasty in their robes and headgear. So you’ll have to fudge the weather conditions in the manger on Dec. 25, the Year 1. “He’s like, God, so of course He doesn’t look like every other baby. He’s more advanced and perfect and never gets a chill,” might be the message line.
3. Santa Claus. You’ll have to be lightning quick to explain how Santa can pose for photos and meet kids in nine shopping malls at the same time, but we trust you’ll have the whoppers lined up. If all else fails, just tell the young ones the truth: Santa can deliver all those presents to millions of children on the same night because he and Mrs. Claus incorporated and now call themselves Amazon, with a call centre at the North Pole manned by elves equipped with online tracking.
4. Funny gifts. Say, “That’s the Christmas spirit!” even after the 27th time Billy Bass starts singing Don’t Worry Be Happy, or, “Those antlers look awesome on you” while sitting around the tree or, “Oh, that’s a beautiful orange!” when you’re all putting on crepe-paper hats to partake of the festive meal with a slew of rainbow-coloured, bobble-headed kin buzzed on green crème de menthe. All those compliments are only a little white lie as, it’s Christmas, and you’re trying to save someone’s feelings.
5. At church. It is doubly sinful to tell stretchers in the House of the Lord, but Father will know exactly what’s up when you make the sign of the cross “the wrong way” or mutter something about coming down with Ebola since your last church visit at Easter. Move your lips silently but with obvious vigour during hymns you’ve long forgotten and remind everyone “I love the music at Christmas” on the way out.
Yes, but it’s a sustainable Christmas tree.
6. The tree and decorations. Be Supportive (see what I did there with the BS!) and complimentary when you hang up the decorations the children made in Grade 2 with tin foil, cotton balls, nails and seven egg cartons. That little bit of mould on the popcorn string only adds to the festive air and, yes, the set of reindeer made with a chainsaw are totally adorable. Oh, look, Rudolph’s nose is a red golf ball! That’s so neat! As for the tree, it doesn’t matter if the beautiful sapling was hand-cut on a family outing with sharp blades and matching plaid or assembled by robots in China, “the tree is gorgeous” or “wow, love that fresh pine smell” will be required loo-loos during your grand entrance to the homes of scarcely-remembered rellies.
7. The turkey. At Christmas, absolutely everyone loves meat pies and turkey. Even turkeys — and it was on the Nature channel — sit around the barnyard enjoying a beautifully roasted bird on the 25th. This is not a lie. If it so happens you don’t like meat pie or turkey, you know what to do: Shut the hell up and tell the cooks, “I just love this turkey, so moist and delicious. Perfectly cooked. But I better save room for wonderful Christmas baking!”
Finally, and in all honesty, have the Merriest, Most Mendacious Christmas ever!
To contact Kelly Egan, please call 613-726-5896 or email kegan@ottawacitizen.com.
Twitter.com/kellyegancolumn
查看原文...
