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曼迪·伦·卡特隆在她的现代爱情故事《这样做，就能与任何人坠入爱河》里提到，心理学家亚瑟·阿伦等人曾做过这样的试验：让两个陌生人互相问对方一系列私人问题，看他们能否迅速地爱上对方。这36个问题被分成三组，每一组都比前一组涉及内心更柔软的地方。
原理很简单：两人互相袒露内心脆弱的地方能拉近彼此的距离。用研究者的话来说，“同辈之间要建立其亲密的关系，关键在于双方持续地、由浅及深地分享彼此内心私密的想法。”让一个人对另一个人解除戒备，将自己柔弱之处完全暴露在对方面前，是一件非常困难的事情，所以这项研究强迫参与者这样做。
搬好小板凳，36个问题清单开始了：
第一组
1.如果可以请到全世界任何人，你会邀请谁一起吃晚餐？
2.你想出名吗？想怎样出名？
3.在打电话之前，你会预先演练一下待会要说的话吗？为什么？
4.对你来说，“完美的一天”必须包含那些元素？
5.你上一次唱歌给自己听是什么时候？上一次唱给别人听呢？
6.如果你能活到90岁，你人生的后60年如果能把头脑或身体保持在30岁的状态，你选哪样？
7.你是否对自己的死法有某种莫名的预感？
8.说出三个你和你对面的他（她）之间的共同之处。
9.你对生命中的什么东西最心怀感激？
10.如果你能改变影响自己成长的任何一件事情，你会改变什么？
11.花四分钟时间，尽可能详细地把你过去生活中的故事讲给你对面的他（她）听。
12.如果满足你这个愿望，你希望明早醒来拥有哪种特质或能力？
第二组
13.如果有个水晶球能告诉关于你自己人生、未来或其他任何一件事情的答案，你想知道什么？
14.有没有一件事是你早就梦想着要做，却一直没有做的？为什么还没有做？
15.你人生中最大的成就是什么？
16.朋友之间你最看重哪一点？
17.你最珍视的回忆是什么？
18.你最糟糕的回忆是什么？
19.如果你知道一年后自己会突然死去，你会改变现在生活中的什么东西，以及为什么？
20.对你来说，友谊意味着什么？
21.在你的生活中，爱和情感扮演着怎样的角色？
22.轮流说出你认为对面的他（她）所具备的优点，一共说五条。
23.你与家人的关系有多紧密和温馨？你是否觉得自己的童年比大多数人更幸福？
24.你如何看待自己与母亲的关系？
第三组
25.各自用“我们”正确地造三个陈述句，例如“我们都在这个房间里，感觉……”
26.将这个句子补充完整：“我希望有个人能与我分享……”
27.如果你和你对面的他（她）将成为密友，他（她）最需要知道的是什么？
28.告诉你对面的他（她），你喜欢他（她）什么地方，请诚实地说出你一般不会对刚遇见的人说的话。
29.与你对面的他（她）分享你曾遇到过的尴尬经历。
30.你上一次在别人面前哭是什么时候？自己独自一人哭又是什么时候？
31.告诉你对面的他（她），你已经喜欢上他（她）的哪一点？
32.什么事情（如果有这样的事的话）是严肃得容不得开玩笑的？
33.如果你今晚就要死，再没机会与别人交流，你最后悔没说出什么话？为什么还没说出口？
34.眼看着你所拥有的一切以及你的房子都将在火灾中付之一炬，你救出了挚爱的人和宠物，现在你还有时间最后冲进去抢救一件东西。你会抢救什么？为什么？
35.你家族所有人里面，谁的死会最让你辗转难眠？为什么？
36.与你对面的他（她）分享一件私人问题，询问他（她）的建议，听听对方将如何处理这个问题。另外，请对方告诉你，从他（她）的角度来看，你选择这个问题反映出你的什么感受？
Quiz: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
JAN. 9, 2015
In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
原理很简单：两人互相袒露内心脆弱的地方能拉近彼此的距离。用研究者的话来说，“同辈之间要建立其亲密的关系，关键在于双方持续地、由浅及深地分享彼此内心私密的想法。”让一个人对另一个人解除戒备，将自己柔弱之处完全暴露在对方面前，是一件非常困难的事情，所以这项研究强迫参与者这样做。
搬好小板凳，36个问题清单开始了：
第一组
1.如果可以请到全世界任何人，你会邀请谁一起吃晚餐？
2.你想出名吗？想怎样出名？
3.在打电话之前，你会预先演练一下待会要说的话吗？为什么？
4.对你来说，“完美的一天”必须包含那些元素？
5.你上一次唱歌给自己听是什么时候？上一次唱给别人听呢？
6.如果你能活到90岁，你人生的后60年如果能把头脑或身体保持在30岁的状态，你选哪样？
7.你是否对自己的死法有某种莫名的预感？
8.说出三个你和你对面的他（她）之间的共同之处。
9.你对生命中的什么东西最心怀感激？
10.如果你能改变影响自己成长的任何一件事情，你会改变什么？
11.花四分钟时间，尽可能详细地把你过去生活中的故事讲给你对面的他（她）听。
12.如果满足你这个愿望，你希望明早醒来拥有哪种特质或能力？
第二组
13.如果有个水晶球能告诉关于你自己人生、未来或其他任何一件事情的答案，你想知道什么？
14.有没有一件事是你早就梦想着要做，却一直没有做的？为什么还没有做？
15.你人生中最大的成就是什么？
16.朋友之间你最看重哪一点？
17.你最珍视的回忆是什么？
18.你最糟糕的回忆是什么？
19.如果你知道一年后自己会突然死去，你会改变现在生活中的什么东西，以及为什么？
20.对你来说，友谊意味着什么？
21.在你的生活中，爱和情感扮演着怎样的角色？
22.轮流说出你认为对面的他（她）所具备的优点，一共说五条。
23.你与家人的关系有多紧密和温馨？你是否觉得自己的童年比大多数人更幸福？
24.你如何看待自己与母亲的关系？
第三组
25.各自用“我们”正确地造三个陈述句，例如“我们都在这个房间里，感觉……”
26.将这个句子补充完整：“我希望有个人能与我分享……”
27.如果你和你对面的他（她）将成为密友，他（她）最需要知道的是什么？
28.告诉你对面的他（她），你喜欢他（她）什么地方，请诚实地说出你一般不会对刚遇见的人说的话。
29.与你对面的他（她）分享你曾遇到过的尴尬经历。
30.你上一次在别人面前哭是什么时候？自己独自一人哭又是什么时候？
31.告诉你对面的他（她），你已经喜欢上他（她）的哪一点？
32.什么事情（如果有这样的事的话）是严肃得容不得开玩笑的？
33.如果你今晚就要死，再没机会与别人交流，你最后悔没说出什么话？为什么还没说出口？
34.眼看着你所拥有的一切以及你的房子都将在火灾中付之一炬，你救出了挚爱的人和宠物，现在你还有时间最后冲进去抢救一件东西。你会抢救什么？为什么？
35.你家族所有人里面，谁的死会最让你辗转难眠？为什么？
36.与你对面的他（她）分享一件私人问题，询问他（她）的建议，听听对方将如何处理这个问题。另外，请对方告诉你，从他（她）的角度来看，你选择这个问题反映出你的什么感受？
Quiz: The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
JAN. 9, 2015
In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
