The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what
was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for
a jar of olives!"
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why
do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other rishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then
they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going
Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
You've been drinking again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar was closing.So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face, but eventually managed
to reach his front step. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed
to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What
makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
again."
More Irish Humor
Only the Irish have jokes like these:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What
did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
AND THE BEST FOR LAST :
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no
paper on this side either.
BEST DRINKING STORY EVER TOLD
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what
was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for
a jar of olives!"
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me
luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why
do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other rishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then
they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of
Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going
Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
You've been drinking again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar was closing.So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face, but eventually managed
to reach his front step. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed
to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What
makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
again."
More Irish Humor
Only the Irish have jokes like these:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What
did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
AND THE BEST FOR LAST :
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no
paper on this side either.
BEST DRINKING STORY EVER TOLD
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons left in their vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
