中国小孩缺少秩序和自律性吗？以及如何解决（向斑竹申请存档）
送交者: andrew妈 2004年3月30日13:25:53 于 [儿童成长]http://www.bbsland.com
问题：
朋友说：和老外的小孩比起来，咱们中国小孩缺少一些秩序和自律性. 好像疯跑和不太听从命令这样。而且当家长的不太看得见这个问题。俺听得心里惴惴，想听听大家的意见，另外，怎样加强孩子的秩序和自律性呢？
发言：
y1: strongly agree. In playground, I saw some chinese children grab other's toys without asking. Some kids don't know to wait until his turn. Some kids play drinking water fountain while other people are waiting on the line. Their parents(/grands) ignore those rude behavior.
Girlsmom: Your example are basic manner issue, the parents / grandparents should be responsible for that. Also the pre-school teacher will teach kids these manners. I don't see these as general problem.
夭夭：manner是最需要父母以身作则，潜移默化的。孩子总是模仿大人，可能要从大人身上找原因。
Girlsmom: the parents are responsible for their kids behavior, the school teacher teach the kids good manners, but they are not responsible for that.
Girlsmom: I don’t see this as general problem for Chinese kids. Most of our kids, who go to pre-school/school and have well discipline at home, shouldn't have this problem. " take turns" is a social concept all the parents teach kids; "self-control or follow rules" really depends on age, and personality. I am not sure if I get your point clearly, more examples may help
as parents, we need to do what we say. so the kids will take our words more seriously. Kids are smart, they are always testing your limit. After they know the bottom line, it becomes easy for everyone.
楚柴：好像这个问题具有一定的普遍性。印象最深的是几年前在芝加哥机场候机室等着上回国的飞机时，几乎所有的中国孩子都在候机室大声喧哗和互相追逐，父母亲则视而不见。感觉和在国内的一些公共场合见到的差不多。记得在“亲子学习班”时读到过一条规则，“NO RUNNING IN SHOPPING MALL”。这条公共场合的守则好像我们都没有太在意过。基本上公共场合的习惯我们都知道，关键是怎么以身作则言传身教地让孩子也能遵守。比如大声喧哗确实是大人的毛病，孩子习惯了，认为理所当然，自然也这样做。另外，大人会在音乐会上说话（我指古典音乐），就是给孩子做了不良示范，所以他们也会叽叽喳喳地在音乐会上说个不停。如果大人有了好的示范，孩子还是不守规矩，可能就得事先说明规则，硬性执法了。我其实也有同样困扰，女儿有时侯也会在商场里跑，在饭店大声说话等，可能的持之以恒地解释和执行规则吧。
白云乐隐：我感觉老外的孩子吃饭时总是很有规矩，而我们的孩子总管不住地下地、起立、钻桌子…不知有何见教？
Lingmoon: don’t criticize kids in public, take him/her aside that only two of you can hear the conversation, and tell him/her firmly what is wrong. Kids feel losing face if they are scolded in public, just like adults. It will make them more resistant to the criticism.
Girlsmom: this is what I did. Roughly a year ago, my 2 daughters are 6.5 and 3.5 years old. We eat outside quite often. their problem is after they finish their meals, they become bored, and begin to giggle, laugh loud. I remind them several times, don't see any improvement. Finally I told them if they act loud one more time, I will take them home. They don't believe me, because my dish is far from finish yet. Of course they act again. So it was my turn. I stood up, and took them out of the resturant, into the car, back home. I kept quiet all the way home. These 2 smart girl knew this time is very very serious. their tears came out. They put themselfs in time out. I just toast my bread and sit there quietly and eat it. I knew they know all the manners, but sometimes can not control themselves very well. I don't like to repeat the rules, just want them to remember it in a hard way. Since then, this problem never shows up.
黎?：你（girlsmom）说的对,我很赞同你的观点，孩子知道对与不对，只是有时控制不了自己，大人要说到做到。
夭夭：孩子枯坐的能力没有大人强) 所以大人得尽量安排一些娱乐活动。现在很多餐馆都会给孩子一些蜡笔和游戏，另外也可以允许孩子带几样他们喜欢且合适的玩具书籍什么的。尽量不要带孩子去高档餐厅，（一般上菜时间更长，且更boring），除非餐厅可以预订雅座（分开的隔间）。
子愚：同意夭夭的观点，发现孩子去他们自己选的地方从不吵闹。
Kkmom: Chinese kids also behave bad in private party. In most private Chinese family gatherings, kids like to running around up and down, jumping on sofa and bed, throw things..etc. At the same time parents are talking loudly or playing cards. At the similar American parties, kids gathered by age, they either read or play games. For those very young there was always adult with them.
操心妈妈：建议送孩子进daycare．我们的DNA里可没写着“秩序和自律性”，这不是天生的毛病，也不是中国人特有的问题。我也见到过各位说的现象，但请想一想这些孩子的另一个共性 - 大都没上daycare，家里爸爸妈妈、爷爷奶奶轮着宠。我们家，小的10个月，大的2岁，我自己带两个就可以出去吃饭、看病、买东西、等等。他们不闹、不吵，有规矩。嘻嘻，这不是我教的，daycare的作用啊，钱没白交。另一方面，看点老外parenting的书，上上课也很有帮助。每次看到家长说孩子discipline不好，就忍不住想为什么不上daycare呢？老人照顾并不一定是最佳选择。
黎?：我觉得这个问题是家长没有重视的原因．我在没有孩子时注意到美国人的party总是很安静，我读书时大学里的学生中心多警告中国同学会，每次开party孩子们太吵闹。美国人的孩子如果太吵，父母就把孩子带离party。所以我发誓等我以后有了孩子一定不许他/她在公共场合太吵闹。孩子大约在两岁以前，如果孩子哭闹，我都捂着孩子嘴带离现场。两岁以后，如果孩子吵，我就和她讲道理，如果再闹我们就离开，我会说到做到，所以我的孩子很少有这样的问题。在停车场，偶尔孩子跑一下（一般都是和别的孩子一起），我一喊，我女儿就会停下走，别的父母常问我为什么我女儿听话，因为我会马上警告她如果不“mind your behavior”下次我就不给她创造和小朋友一起玩的机会了。我不是吓虎她，而是真要这么做，下一次在她提出要和小朋友一起玩时，我会说：“今天这次免了，因为你上次。。。，如果不是上次。。。我本来今天是要带你去和XXX玩的。”家长要说到做到的话，小孩受了惩罚很会吸取教训，不用家长一次又一次跟在后面讲。另外，在家里吃饭，我都是让孩子把碗吃干净，不允许剩饭，同时提醒孩子吃多少拿多少，不可以眼大肚皮小。在餐馆吃自助餐，更不允许她拿很多，吃不完浪费，也不许她掉得满桌子都是。所以我女儿吃饭干干净净总是受到别家妈妈表演，当然我训练她这样做不是为了得到夸奖，我觉得女孩子应该有女孩儿样。有一次孩子爸爸带女儿到别家去玩（我没去），那家的阿姨给了女儿一根冰棒，女儿问人家要个小碟子接着（那时女儿五岁），怕弄到桌上或地毯上，事后朋友特意打电话来说起此事，我说她在家就是这么吃冰棒的。有人说对孩子管得太严会抑制孩子的创造性，我不知道是不是有道理（也很想听听各位父母的意见），我觉得也要给孩子撒欢儿的机会，比如经常把孩子带到沙滩草地上撒撒野也是必要的，或者是在自己家里闹一闹，特别是男孩子，但应该看场合。
Girlsmom: We do have more relax rules for the girls when we are home. Let's make it clear first, this way is not good for the family with very young kids. They may get confused. For my 2 girles ( 7.5, 4.5), they can understand public vs. private. At dinner table, they can laugh loud, talk loud. Actually this is the most joyful time for our family.I don't restrict them too much here. Most time, they don't take turns, it seems like fun for them. I prefer them to view home as a place you can relax, you can show your "bad" side, you can blow up, you can talk about anything you want... So
far, this 2 rule system is working pretty good.
2boys: 是感觉中国小孩不如老外孩子有秩序。但细心比较在国外出生的中国孩子还是比国内刚来的孩子轨矩多。常在一些聚会中帮看小孩，国内刚来的孩子更本完全不理会你任何的劝告，无论是软硬。中国孩子不善于说赞美的话到是真的。我儿子的同学是个出了名的皮孩子，但他真是有很好的谈话礼节，相比之下，我儿就逊色多了，尽管从小没少教他。
Bigbluebird: this is caused by how you treat your kids. As I know, a lot of chinese adults speak loudly in public -- that is really super model for kids. Treat your kids as friends and adults, if they are in bad manners, talk with them seriously. I can not understand why you can not tell them how to be good manner in public. I don't think scolding is good, but talks like : Stop doing that, that is not good. I don't think you should do that. Would you please do ...., Thank you. Be polite and calm yourself, but DO tell them they are doing not so well. A lot of persons think the grandparents are taking the responsibilities. I don't think so. Even if they should take part of the responsibilities, they should not be blamed.
操心妈妈：Grandparents are not to be blamed. It's the parents' decision to leave their kids with grands. Grands provide free care for love so no matter their care is good or bad, they're the people the parents should be grateful. But the grands are not trained professionals who teach children much more better/effectively. Let them take care of kids may save some money and be sure for the good nourish food, other than that, I can't say grands are anywhere better than those pros, on the countary, they're ... Again, grands are not bad, they're just ordinary people. If there's anyone to blame for the mis-behavour, it's the parents as they're the people who make choices.
Dolphin: 这好像不只是中国孩子的问题．我们这儿中国人很多，有时聚会时，觉得不少中国家长都缺少一些秩序和自律性，大声说话，取远多与自己食量的食物，餐后不主动清理桌面。而China town在许多人的眼里则是脏乱差的代名词。去年夏天时，有次我带孩子到草坪上玩。一位老太太满脸怒气地来找我给她作翻译（她外孙与我儿子一般大，而且就住我们楼上，两家孩子常在一块玩，所以挺熟）。原来有几个中国小孩在草地上撒尿，边闹边笑。照看他们的中国老人则在一旁跟着乐。这位老太太过去跟他们说这样不好，因为许多小孩都在这草坪上摸爬滚打的。虽然语言不通，但我想单从老太太的手势和脸上的表情来看，那些中国老人应该或多或少能明白一些的。但没有任何人采取什么行动，依旧是一脸的嘻嘻哈哈。那个老太太由此而特别生气。我过去跟那些中国老人解释，一个人答：”这不还给草地上了肥嘛。“另，一个人答：”又不是她们家的”言外之意，任何劝阻都是多管闲事。 所以我觉得加强孩子的秩序和自律性还的从大人身上下手。
送交者: andrew妈 2004年3月30日13:25:53 于 [儿童成长]http://www.bbsland.com
问题：
朋友说：和老外的小孩比起来，咱们中国小孩缺少一些秩序和自律性. 好像疯跑和不太听从命令这样。而且当家长的不太看得见这个问题。俺听得心里惴惴，想听听大家的意见，另外，怎样加强孩子的秩序和自律性呢？
发言：
y1: strongly agree. In playground, I saw some chinese children grab other's toys without asking. Some kids don't know to wait until his turn. Some kids play drinking water fountain while other people are waiting on the line. Their parents(/grands) ignore those rude behavior.
Girlsmom: Your example are basic manner issue, the parents / grandparents should be responsible for that. Also the pre-school teacher will teach kids these manners. I don't see these as general problem.
夭夭：manner是最需要父母以身作则，潜移默化的。孩子总是模仿大人，可能要从大人身上找原因。
Girlsmom: the parents are responsible for their kids behavior, the school teacher teach the kids good manners, but they are not responsible for that.
Girlsmom: I don’t see this as general problem for Chinese kids. Most of our kids, who go to pre-school/school and have well discipline at home, shouldn't have this problem. " take turns" is a social concept all the parents teach kids; "self-control or follow rules" really depends on age, and personality. I am not sure if I get your point clearly, more examples may help
as parents, we need to do what we say. so the kids will take our words more seriously. Kids are smart, they are always testing your limit. After they know the bottom line, it becomes easy for everyone.楚柴：好像这个问题具有一定的普遍性。印象最深的是几年前在芝加哥机场候机室等着上回国的飞机时，几乎所有的中国孩子都在候机室大声喧哗和互相追逐，父母亲则视而不见。感觉和在国内的一些公共场合见到的差不多。记得在“亲子学习班”时读到过一条规则，“NO RUNNING IN SHOPPING MALL”。这条公共场合的守则好像我们都没有太在意过。基本上公共场合的习惯我们都知道，关键是怎么以身作则言传身教地让孩子也能遵守。比如大声喧哗确实是大人的毛病，孩子习惯了，认为理所当然，自然也这样做。另外，大人会在音乐会上说话（我指古典音乐），就是给孩子做了不良示范，所以他们也会叽叽喳喳地在音乐会上说个不停。如果大人有了好的示范，孩子还是不守规矩，可能就得事先说明规则，硬性执法了。我其实也有同样困扰，女儿有时侯也会在商场里跑，在饭店大声说话等，可能的持之以恒地解释和执行规则吧。
白云乐隐：我感觉老外的孩子吃饭时总是很有规矩，而我们的孩子总管不住地下地、起立、钻桌子…不知有何见教？
Lingmoon: don’t criticize kids in public, take him/her aside that only two of you can hear the conversation, and tell him/her firmly what is wrong. Kids feel losing face if they are scolded in public, just like adults. It will make them more resistant to the criticism.
Girlsmom: this is what I did. Roughly a year ago, my 2 daughters are 6.5 and 3.5 years old. We eat outside quite often. their problem is after they finish their meals, they become bored, and begin to giggle, laugh loud. I remind them several times, don't see any improvement. Finally I told them if they act loud one more time, I will take them home. They don't believe me, because my dish is far from finish yet. Of course they act again. So it was my turn. I stood up, and took them out of the resturant, into the car, back home. I kept quiet all the way home. These 2 smart girl knew this time is very very serious. their tears came out. They put themselfs in time out. I just toast my bread and sit there quietly and eat it. I knew they know all the manners, but sometimes can not control themselves very well. I don't like to repeat the rules, just want them to remember it in a hard way. Since then, this problem never shows up.
黎?：你（girlsmom）说的对,我很赞同你的观点，孩子知道对与不对，只是有时控制不了自己，大人要说到做到。
夭夭：孩子枯坐的能力没有大人强
) 所以大人得尽量安排一些娱乐活动。现在很多餐馆都会给孩子一些蜡笔和游戏，另外也可以允许孩子带几样他们喜欢且合适的玩具书籍什么的。尽量不要带孩子去高档餐厅，（一般上菜时间更长，且更boring），除非餐厅可以预订雅座（分开的隔间）。子愚：同意夭夭的观点，发现孩子去他们自己选的地方从不吵闹。
Kkmom: Chinese kids also behave bad in private party. In most private Chinese family gatherings, kids like to running around up and down, jumping on sofa and bed, throw things..etc. At the same time parents are talking loudly or playing cards. At the similar American parties, kids gathered by age, they either read or play games. For those very young there was always adult with them.
操心妈妈：建议送孩子进daycare．我们的DNA里可没写着“秩序和自律性”，这不是天生的毛病，也不是中国人特有的问题。我也见到过各位说的现象，但请想一想这些孩子的另一个共性 - 大都没上daycare，家里爸爸妈妈、爷爷奶奶轮着宠。我们家，小的10个月，大的2岁，我自己带两个就可以出去吃饭、看病、买东西、等等。他们不闹、不吵，有规矩。嘻嘻，这不是我教的，daycare的作用啊，钱没白交。另一方面，看点老外parenting的书，上上课也很有帮助。每次看到家长说孩子discipline不好，就忍不住想为什么不上daycare呢？老人照顾并不一定是最佳选择。
黎?：我觉得这个问题是家长没有重视的原因．我在没有孩子时注意到美国人的party总是很安静，我读书时大学里的学生中心多警告中国同学会，每次开party孩子们太吵闹。美国人的孩子如果太吵，父母就把孩子带离party。所以我发誓等我以后有了孩子一定不许他/她在公共场合太吵闹。孩子大约在两岁以前，如果孩子哭闹，我都捂着孩子嘴带离现场。两岁以后，如果孩子吵，我就和她讲道理，如果再闹我们就离开，我会说到做到，所以我的孩子很少有这样的问题。在停车场，偶尔孩子跑一下（一般都是和别的孩子一起），我一喊，我女儿就会停下走，别的父母常问我为什么我女儿听话，因为我会马上警告她如果不“mind your behavior”下次我就不给她创造和小朋友一起玩的机会了。我不是吓虎她，而是真要这么做，下一次在她提出要和小朋友一起玩时，我会说：“今天这次免了，因为你上次。。。，如果不是上次。。。我本来今天是要带你去和XXX玩的。”家长要说到做到的话，小孩受了惩罚很会吸取教训，不用家长一次又一次跟在后面讲。另外，在家里吃饭，我都是让孩子把碗吃干净，不允许剩饭，同时提醒孩子吃多少拿多少，不可以眼大肚皮小。在餐馆吃自助餐，更不允许她拿很多，吃不完浪费，也不许她掉得满桌子都是。所以我女儿吃饭干干净净总是受到别家妈妈表演，当然我训练她这样做不是为了得到夸奖，我觉得女孩子应该有女孩儿样。有一次孩子爸爸带女儿到别家去玩（我没去），那家的阿姨给了女儿一根冰棒，女儿问人家要个小碟子接着（那时女儿五岁），怕弄到桌上或地毯上，事后朋友特意打电话来说起此事，我说她在家就是这么吃冰棒的。有人说对孩子管得太严会抑制孩子的创造性，我不知道是不是有道理（也很想听听各位父母的意见），我觉得也要给孩子撒欢儿的机会，比如经常把孩子带到沙滩草地上撒撒野也是必要的，或者是在自己家里闹一闹，特别是男孩子，但应该看场合。
Girlsmom: We do have more relax rules for the girls when we are home. Let's make it clear first, this way is not good for the family with very young kids. They may get confused. For my 2 girles ( 7.5, 4.5), they can understand public vs. private. At dinner table, they can laugh loud, talk loud. Actually this is the most joyful time for our family.I don't restrict them too much here. Most time, they don't take turns, it seems like fun for them. I prefer them to view home as a place you can relax, you can show your "bad" side, you can blow up, you can talk about anything you want... So
far, this 2 rule system is working pretty good.
2boys: 是感觉中国小孩不如老外孩子有秩序。但细心比较在国外出生的中国孩子还是比国内刚来的孩子轨矩多。常在一些聚会中帮看小孩，国内刚来的孩子更本完全不理会你任何的劝告，无论是软硬。中国孩子不善于说赞美的话到是真的。我儿子的同学是个出了名的皮孩子，但他真是有很好的谈话礼节，相比之下，我儿就逊色多了，尽管从小没少教他。
Bigbluebird: this is caused by how you treat your kids. As I know, a lot of chinese adults speak loudly in public -- that is really super model for kids.
Treat your kids as friends and adults, if they are in bad manners, talk with them seriously. I can not understand why you can not tell them how to be good manner in public. I don't think scolding is good, but talks like : Stop doing that, that is not good. I don't think you should do that. Would you please do ...., Thank you. Be polite and calm yourself, but DO tell them they are doing not so well. A lot of persons think the grandparents are taking the responsibilities. I don't think so. Even if they should take part of the responsibilities, they should not be blamed.操心妈妈：Grandparents are not to be blamed. It's the parents' decision to leave their kids with grands. Grands provide free care for love so no matter their care is good or bad, they're the people the parents should be grateful. But the grands are not trained professionals who teach children much more better/effectively. Let them take care of kids may save some money and be sure for the good nourish food, other than that, I can't say grands are anywhere better than those pros, on the countary, they're ... Again, grands are not bad, they're just ordinary people. If there's anyone to blame for the mis-behavour, it's the parents as they're the people who make choices.
Dolphin: 这好像不只是中国孩子的问题．我们这儿中国人很多，有时聚会时，觉得不少中国家长都缺少一些秩序和自律性，大声说话，取远多与自己食量的食物，餐后不主动清理桌面。而China town在许多人的眼里则是脏乱差的代名词。去年夏天时，有次我带孩子到草坪上玩。一位老太太满脸怒气地来找我给她作翻译（她外孙与我儿子一般大，而且就住我们楼上，两家孩子常在一块玩，所以挺熟）。原来有几个中国小孩在草地上撒尿，边闹边笑。照看他们的中国老人则在一旁跟着乐。这位老太太过去跟他们说这样不好，因为许多小孩都在这草坪上摸爬滚打的。虽然语言不通，但我想单从老太太的手势和脸上的表情来看，那些中国老人应该或多或少能明白一些的。但没有任何人采取什么行动，依旧是一脸的嘻嘻哈哈。那个老太太由此而特别生气。我过去跟那些中国老人解释，一个人答：”这不还给草地上了肥嘛。“另，一个人答：”又不是她们家的”言外之意，任何劝阻都是多管闲事。 所以我觉得加强孩子的秩序和自律性还的从大人身上下手。
