jzhang77
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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buSv1jjAels"]YouTube- Joe Wong at RTCA Dinner[/ame]
Good evening, everyone! My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as: Who?
... which is actually my mother's maiden name
... and the answer to my credit card security question.
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.
大家晚安,小弟黄西. 对于大多数人来说，你们一定会问：“哥 们你是谁？”（C-SPAN是政府政策类电视频道，对于一个在政界知名度近乎于0的笑星来说，一般不熟悉).‘胡’其实还是我妈妈娘家的姓,也是我信用卡的安全问题的答案。这些笑话先放一边， 我只想确认一下，今晚我是被邀请来的。
I grew up in China. Who didn't?
And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.
When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learnt that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
我在中国长大。。。谁不是呢？我的童年记忆，完全被我的童年毁了。当 我在小学的时候，作为课程的一部分我要在稻田工作，旁边就有炸岩石的。我就是在那学到了，光比声音传播的快。声音几乎和飞过来的石头一样慢。
My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would try to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day, he said to me, "Hey son! Why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?"
...So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I said so!"
我爹是 个脾气暴躁的人，他总想用笑话让我高兴起来，但是总讲不好。我七岁的一天，他跟我说，“嘿，儿子。为什么豆腐比中央集权的社会主义经济好？”我五分钟后 说，“为什么？”他说因为我这么说！
I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. (Audience applauding)
That wasn't a joke.
... until now.
And I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers, that are impossible to peel off. One of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't know this for two years.
我二十四岁的时候来到美国，在德州 RICE 大学学习。这不是笑话。直到现在。我曾经开着一辆贴着许多很难撕掉的贴纸的二手车，其中一张写着“如果你不讲英语，滚回去！”头两年我都没有注意到。
Like many other immigrants, we want our son to become the president of this country. And we're trying to make it bilingual now: Chinese at home, and English in the public, Which is really tough to do, because many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen. If you don't speak English, go home!"
同其 他的移民一样，我们希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。我们试图让他们双语化，在家讲中文，在公众场合讲英文。这个确实很难，因为许多时候，我不得不在 公众场合跟他讲“嘿，听着，如果你不讲英语，回家吧！”
And he would say to me, "Hey Dad! Why do I have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become the president of the United States, you gonna have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to the debt collectors in Chinese!"
他总跟我说，“嘿，爸爸，为什么我要学 两种语言？”我说，“儿子，一旦你成了美国总统，你不得不用英语 签署法令条文，用中文同追债的人对话。（想起了温家宝多次表示对中国拥有的美国国债不放心）
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here: being an ethnic.
我从Rice毕业之后，我决定留在美国，因 为在中国我不能和在这里一样成为（少数）民族。
In order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask questions like,
"Who's Benjamin Franklin?"
We are like, "Ahhh... the reason our convenience store gets robbed?"
"What's the second amendment?"
We are like, "Ahhh... the reason our convenience store gets robbed?"
"What is Roe versus Wade?"
We are like, "Ahhh... two ways of coming to the United States?"
为了成为美国公民，我得修美国历史课。 在课上他们问这种问题：
谁是富兰克林总统？我们回答：啊… 就是我们的便利店被抢劫的原因吧。
什么是第二修正案？我们回答：啊… 就是我们的便利店被抢劫的原因吧。
什么是Roe vs Wade? 我们回答：啊… 两种进入美国的途径吧。
Later on I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. I think in America they say that all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents' income, or the education and health care.
之后我读了许多美国历史，甚至我也有了白人的罪恶感。在美国，他们说“哦，人生来平等”，但出生之后，基本上还是靠父母的收入，教育和健康医疗。
I read in the men's health magazine that President Obama every week has two cardio days and four weight-lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise, because I have health insurance.
我在健康杂志上读到，奥巴马总统每周都有两 天健身，四天举重。你看，我不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。
I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we elected Scott Brown.
... Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him -- it's called Kill Bill.
我现在住在马塞诸塞州，我们有全民医 保，然后我们选了Scott Brown，矛盾的信息。我记得有部关于这个的电影，叫杀死比尔（KILL BILL）
I'm honored to meet Vice President Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read your autobiography. And today I see you (looking at Biden)
... (Looking at audience now) I think the book is much better. They should have got a cast of Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.
我很荣幸，今晚见到了副总统 Joe Biden 先 生。实际上我读过您的传记，今天我见到您 本人。我觉得您在书上好多了。你比布拉德皮特还帅，甚至比得上安吉丽娜朱莉。
To be honestly I'm really honored to be here tonight, and I prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama. That is when he decided not to come.
And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that statement and go where
说实话，我今晚真的很荣幸能在这，我为了这个秀 准备了几个月。我给白宫看了我关于奥巴马的笑话，之后，他决定不来了。并且开始谈论移民政策改革。
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that! Well, actually I'm thinking the only way you can be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.
奥巴 马总统常被指责为过于软蛋。但是他指挥了两场战争，然后人们还是把诺贝尔和平奖给了他。他竟然接受了。你不可能比这还混蛋了。事实上，我觉得唯一比这个还 混蛋的方法，就是收了诺贝尔和平奖奖金，转身把钱给军队。
I met many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like, I was born in the year of the horse, and that is why I'm a naysayer (NOTE: pun for nazeer). My point exactly.
今晚我们有很多出色的记者。我原把他们 当成跟我一样的人。因为我曾经在学校报纸上写过文章。
And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obviously always watch, when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demogoguery of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn't fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there's C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.
... Thank you very much.
今晚是我第一次上c-span，每当我受不了pbs和qvc的哗众取宠和煽情，我就一直看这个电视频道。如果看了c-span我还是睡不着的话，还有c-span 二套和三套。
So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I'm really happy about. Thank you very much.
America's No. 1! That's true, because we won the World Series every year!
我在2008年成为了美国公民，对此我 很高兴，非常感谢。美国第一，这是真的, 因为我们每年赢 World Serial (北美棒球联赛）。
After becoming the US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.
... (Looking at Biden) You're welcome. You had me, yes, we can't
(Looking at audience now) That was his slogan.
在成为了美国公民后，我立刻注册给奥巴 马，拜登投票。（回头看副总统）不用客气。你很高兴说 “是的，我们能”，这是你们的竞选口号。
So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, maybe I should run for a president myself. Well I have to step back and explain a little bit, you know, 'coz I have always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into snow in a dark winter night.
-- you probably made a difference, but it was really hard to tell!
在奥巴马选上总统之后，我感受到了权力。我开始想，也许我自己也应 该竞选总统。关于这个我的退一步解释一下，你知道，我一直是一个孤僻和悲观的人。人生有点像在黑夜雪地里尿尿，你也许的确做出了改变，可是 很难说出口。
But now we have a president who's half black, half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I'm half not black and half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
现在我们有了总统，一半是黑人，一半是 白人，这给了我很多希望，因为一半不是黑人，一半不是白人。负负得正。
And you may be saying, "Hey, what would be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade, ... oh you too? OK.
So I understand American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be, "Who Cares!"
你也许会问“嘿，你的竞选口号是什 么？”你看，我在上一个年代（decade），花了十年的时间，你们也是？ok，我知道美国民众也承受着苦难，所以，我的竞选口号是“谁在乎！”
If elected, I will make same-sex marriage not only legal, but required. That will get me youth vote.
You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! Fifty percent of marriages end up lasting forever!"
如果当选，我会让同性婚姻不仅合法，而且是强制的。你看，我现在已经结婚了，但我曾经很害怕结婚。我说，哇，50%的婚姻，到最终的持续到永远。
And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force. So two people will have to do the work one. Just like the president and vice president. Or the Olsen twins.
我会通过降低美国工人的生产力，来降低 失业率，所以两个人才能做一个人的工作，就像总统和副总统一样，或或像 OLSEN 双胞胎。
And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. (Looking at someone in the audience) You seem to like that one. You won't be covered by health insurance though, Because of pre-existing conditions.
不讲心脏病和癌症，大多数的美国人是因 为自然原因而死亡的，所以如果我当选，我会为大家自然死亡的治疗费买单。（指台下）你似乎很喜欢这个。可是你不 会被健康保险计划包涵，因为你之前的身体状况就不好。
And I have a quick solution for global warming: I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees; now it's 40!
... You're very welcome.
我有个全球变暖的解决方案，我会把华氏度，改为摄氏 度，“原来是100多度，现在只有四十度了。”甭客气。
And I am good with the foreign policy, because I am from China, and I can see Russia from my backyard!
我能处理好国际关系，你看，我来自中 国，我可以在后院看好俄国。
I believe that, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialogue is too slow. So if elected, I will go with...
... text messaging.
I will text our allies, "just to say hi". And text our enemies ... while they're driving --
"omg! you're building a nuclear weapon? but you're doing it wrong. lol!"
我认为单边主义代价太高，开门对话又 太慢，如果我当选，我会以发短信的手段，跟其他国家对话。我会给同盟国发短信，就是打个 招呼“嗨～”，给我们的敌人发短信，趁着他们开车的时候。“OMG（额滴神），你们在建设核武器？”“可是你们做错了，LOL（仰天长“笑”）！”
I just want to thank Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner for having me here tonight, and this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night!
我 要感谢RTCA今晚邀请我来这里，这是我第一次希望我儿子知道我在干嘛，谢谢，非常感谢。
Good evening, everyone! My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as: Who?
... which is actually my mother's maiden name
... and the answer to my credit card security question.
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.
大家晚安,小弟黄西. 对于大多数人来说，你们一定会问：“哥 们你是谁？”（C-SPAN是政府政策类电视频道，对于一个在政界知名度近乎于0的笑星来说，一般不熟悉).‘胡’其实还是我妈妈娘家的姓,也是我信用卡的安全问题的答案。这些笑话先放一边， 我只想确认一下，今晚我是被邀请来的。
I grew up in China. Who didn't?
And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.
When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learnt that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
我在中国长大。。。谁不是呢？我的童年记忆，完全被我的童年毁了。当 我在小学的时候，作为课程的一部分我要在稻田工作，旁边就有炸岩石的。我就是在那学到了，光比声音传播的快。声音几乎和飞过来的石头一样慢。
My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would try to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day, he said to me, "Hey son! Why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?"
...So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I said so!"
我爹是 个脾气暴躁的人，他总想用笑话让我高兴起来，但是总讲不好。我七岁的一天，他跟我说，“嘿，儿子。为什么豆腐比中央集权的社会主义经济好？”我五分钟后 说，“为什么？”他说因为我这么说！
I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. (Audience applauding)
That wasn't a joke.
... until now.
And I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers, that are impossible to peel off. One of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't know this for two years.
我二十四岁的时候来到美国，在德州 RICE 大学学习。这不是笑话。直到现在。我曾经开着一辆贴着许多很难撕掉的贴纸的二手车，其中一张写着“如果你不讲英语，滚回去！”头两年我都没有注意到。
Like many other immigrants, we want our son to become the president of this country. And we're trying to make it bilingual now: Chinese at home, and English in the public, Which is really tough to do, because many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen. If you don't speak English, go home!"
同其 他的移民一样，我们希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。我们试图让他们双语化，在家讲中文，在公众场合讲英文。这个确实很难，因为许多时候，我不得不在 公众场合跟他讲“嘿，听着，如果你不讲英语，回家吧！”
And he would say to me, "Hey Dad! Why do I have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become the president of the United States, you gonna have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to the debt collectors in Chinese!"
他总跟我说，“嘿，爸爸，为什么我要学 两种语言？”我说，“儿子，一旦你成了美国总统，你不得不用英语 签署法令条文，用中文同追债的人对话。（想起了温家宝多次表示对中国拥有的美国国债不放心）
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here: being an ethnic.
我从Rice毕业之后，我决定留在美国，因 为在中国我不能和在这里一样成为（少数）民族。
In order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask questions like,
"Who's Benjamin Franklin?"
We are like, "Ahhh... the reason our convenience store gets robbed?"
"What's the second amendment?"
We are like, "Ahhh... the reason our convenience store gets robbed?"
"What is Roe versus Wade?"
We are like, "Ahhh... two ways of coming to the United States?"
为了成为美国公民，我得修美国历史课。 在课上他们问这种问题：
谁是富兰克林总统？我们回答：啊… 就是我们的便利店被抢劫的原因吧。
什么是第二修正案？我们回答：啊… 就是我们的便利店被抢劫的原因吧。
什么是Roe vs Wade? 我们回答：啊… 两种进入美国的途径吧。
Later on I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt. I think in America they say that all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents' income, or the education and health care.
之后我读了许多美国历史，甚至我也有了白人的罪恶感。在美国，他们说“哦，人生来平等”，但出生之后，基本上还是靠父母的收入，教育和健康医疗。
I read in the men's health magazine that President Obama every week has two cardio days and four weight-lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise, because I have health insurance.
我在健康杂志上读到，奥巴马总统每周都有两 天健身，四天举重。你看，我不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。
I live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we elected Scott Brown.
... Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him -- it's called Kill Bill.
我现在住在马塞诸塞州，我们有全民医 保，然后我们选了Scott Brown，矛盾的信息。我记得有部关于这个的电影，叫杀死比尔（KILL BILL）
I'm honored to meet Vice President Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read your autobiography. And today I see you (looking at Biden)
... (Looking at audience now) I think the book is much better. They should have got a cast of Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.
我很荣幸，今晚见到了副总统 Joe Biden 先 生。实际上我读过您的传记，今天我见到您 本人。我觉得您在书上好多了。你比布拉德皮特还帅，甚至比得上安吉丽娜朱莉。
To be honestly I'm really honored to be here tonight, and I prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama. That is when he decided not to come.
And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that statement and go where
说实话，我今晚真的很荣幸能在这，我为了这个秀 准备了几个月。我给白宫看了我关于奥巴马的笑话，之后，他决定不来了。并且开始谈论移民政策改革。
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that! Well, actually I'm thinking the only way you can be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.
奥巴 马总统常被指责为过于软蛋。但是他指挥了两场战争，然后人们还是把诺贝尔和平奖给了他。他竟然接受了。你不可能比这还混蛋了。事实上，我觉得唯一比这个还 混蛋的方法，就是收了诺贝尔和平奖奖金，转身把钱给军队。
I met many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like, I was born in the year of the horse, and that is why I'm a naysayer (NOTE: pun for nazeer). My point exactly.
今晚我们有很多出色的记者。我原把他们 当成跟我一样的人。因为我曾经在学校报纸上写过文章。
And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obviously always watch, when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demogoguery of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn't fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there's C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.
... Thank you very much.
今晚是我第一次上c-span，每当我受不了pbs和qvc的哗众取宠和煽情，我就一直看这个电视频道。如果看了c-span我还是睡不着的话，还有c-span 二套和三套。
So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I'm really happy about. Thank you very much.
America's No. 1! That's true, because we won the World Series every year!
我在2008年成为了美国公民，对此我 很高兴，非常感谢。美国第一，这是真的, 因为我们每年赢 World Serial (北美棒球联赛）。
After becoming the US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.
... (Looking at Biden) You're welcome. You had me, yes, we can't
(Looking at audience now) That was his slogan.
在成为了美国公民后，我立刻注册给奥巴 马，拜登投票。（回头看副总统）不用客气。你很高兴说 “是的，我们能”，这是你们的竞选口号。
So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, maybe I should run for a president myself. Well I have to step back and explain a little bit, you know, 'coz I have always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into snow in a dark winter night.
-- you probably made a difference, but it was really hard to tell!
在奥巴马选上总统之后，我感受到了权力。我开始想，也许我自己也应 该竞选总统。关于这个我的退一步解释一下，你知道，我一直是一个孤僻和悲观的人。人生有点像在黑夜雪地里尿尿，你也许的确做出了改变，可是 很难说出口。
But now we have a president who's half black, half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I'm half not black and half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
现在我们有了总统，一半是黑人，一半是 白人，这给了我很多希望，因为一半不是黑人，一半不是白人。负负得正。
And you may be saying, "Hey, what would be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade, ... oh you too? OK.
So I understand American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be, "Who Cares!"
你也许会问“嘿，你的竞选口号是什 么？”你看，我在上一个年代（decade），花了十年的时间，你们也是？ok，我知道美国民众也承受着苦难，所以，我的竞选口号是“谁在乎！”
If elected, I will make same-sex marriage not only legal, but required. That will get me youth vote.
You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! Fifty percent of marriages end up lasting forever!"
如果当选，我会让同性婚姻不仅合法，而且是强制的。你看，我现在已经结婚了，但我曾经很害怕结婚。我说，哇，50%的婚姻，到最终的持续到永远。
And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force. So two people will have to do the work one. Just like the president and vice president. Or the Olsen twins.
我会通过降低美国工人的生产力，来降低 失业率，所以两个人才能做一个人的工作，就像总统和副总统一样，或或像 OLSEN 双胞胎。
And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. (Looking at someone in the audience) You seem to like that one. You won't be covered by health insurance though, Because of pre-existing conditions.
不讲心脏病和癌症，大多数的美国人是因 为自然原因而死亡的，所以如果我当选，我会为大家自然死亡的治疗费买单。（指台下）你似乎很喜欢这个。可是你不 会被健康保险计划包涵，因为你之前的身体状况就不好。
And I have a quick solution for global warming: I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees; now it's 40!
... You're very welcome.
我有个全球变暖的解决方案，我会把华氏度，改为摄氏 度，“原来是100多度，现在只有四十度了。”甭客气。
And I am good with the foreign policy, because I am from China, and I can see Russia from my backyard!
我能处理好国际关系，你看，我来自中 国，我可以在后院看好俄国。
I believe that, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialogue is too slow. So if elected, I will go with...
... text messaging.
I will text our allies, "just to say hi". And text our enemies ... while they're driving --
"omg! you're building a nuclear weapon? but you're doing it wrong. lol!"
我认为单边主义代价太高，开门对话又 太慢，如果我当选，我会以发短信的手段，跟其他国家对话。我会给同盟国发短信，就是打个 招呼“嗨～”，给我们的敌人发短信，趁着他们开车的时候。“OMG（额滴神），你们在建设核武器？”“可是你们做错了，LOL（仰天长“笑”）！”
I just want to thank Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner for having me here tonight, and this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night!
我 要感谢RTCA今晚邀请我来这里，这是我第一次希望我儿子知道我在干嘛，谢谢，非常感谢。
