文法错误不多,但多处用法不太地道。第二段尤其成问题。
对写这段文章的小同学说:写这样的说明文最好用短句,切忌句子过长。rule of thumb,如果你觉得有必要使用分号,那就要尽量把句子断成两句甚至三句。不是句子越长越好,要考虑普通人读书的节奏。太长的句子常常让人感觉喘不过气来。有木有?
还有这种宣传性的东西应该写得更个性化一些,比如用第二人称代替第三人称更能拉近距离。
最后就是应该尽量使用bullet point,简单清楚,用不着用first of all, secondly, last but not least这种承上启下的词。因为所有人的时间都十分有限,通常的attention span大约只有90秒到两分钟。这些不必要的词显然会拖长时间,而且一长段话又是让人看得累,远不如bullet point有效。
下面是部分改写的。时间有限不能更多润色了。给多少刀面包你自己看着办吧。
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