English jokes

[newer]

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

 

[newer]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

 

[newer]

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

 

[newer]

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

 

[newer]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

[rainbosun]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

 

[newer]

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

 

[newer]

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

 

[newer]

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

 

[newer]

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

 

[newer]

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

 

[newer]

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once!

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?
A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age!

 

[newer]

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.

 

[TIFF]

Student : Should I get into trouble for something I did not do?

Teacher: No, You should not.

Student: Good. I did not do my homework.

 

[TIFF]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.