English jokes

[newer]

Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.

Q: What English Word Begin and End with the same 3 letters?
A: Underground

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

If two wrongs don't make a right, then why does a double negative make a positive?

It's good to be awesome, so why is it bad to be aw"ful"?

 

[newer]

English Professor "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

[newer]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

[newer]

The British At School
One day, Mrs Arnold, a teacher at Green Barn Infant School, Norwich, England, was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds.

Firstly she held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, 'Sammy, what is this animal?'

Sammy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, 'I'm sorry Mrs Arnold, I don't know.'

Mrs Arnold was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Sammy, 'Well, Sammy, what does your Mummy call your Daddy?'

Sammy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look spread slowly, and he asked, 'Mrs Arnold, is that really a pig?'

 

[newer]

The British at University
A famous scientist, Arnold Nijmegen, was on his way to a lecture in yet another university, this one in Aberdeen, Scotland, when his chauffeur offered an idea.

'Tell you what, sir, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.'

'Sounds great,' the Nijmegen responded.

When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.

'Yes,' said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur, panic stricken for a moment, quickly recovered. 'Ah, professor now that's an easy one,' he replied, 'in fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it.'

 

[newer]

Canada:
You know you're from Canada when ........

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
3. You find -40C a little chilly.
4. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
5. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
6. You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.
7. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
8. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.
9. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
10. You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

 

[newer]

Only in England

• Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
• Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

[newer]

Which race has no running?
A swimming race.

Which is the hardest part in skydiving?
of course the ground!

What did the pencil said to other pencil?
Oh! You look so sharp!

Who is the king of all school supplies?
The Ruler!

What did a math book complained to another math book?
“Oh, I have tired of lot of problems”!

What are the letters that are always stays cool?
AC!

 

[newer]

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 

[newer]

What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

 

[newer]

What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers

 

[newer]

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

 

[newer]

The teacher said,
"Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can."
The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face.
"Can you see my face?"
"No."
"Can you hear my voice?"
"Yes."
"What does that prove?"
"You are talking through your hat."
(To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense)

 

[newer]

A husband complained to his friend: "I can never keep a secret from my wife. She always knows when I lie. I do not know why a scientist invented a machine to detect lies. My wife is better than any machine."

 

[newer]

The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb.
"So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed."
"Yes miss," pointed out a youngster. "And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves."