Re: Re: some personal opinions on revision
渐渐居然抽空为我们评稿,太好了,一直都很佩服渐渐的语言能力,想跟你学习学习,能具体讲讲需要re-structured的句子吗?离开学校时间长了,很多语法都已用得不够确切,肯定会有想的不周到的地方,渐渐有空的话,再给俺指导指导吧,谢啦!
最初由 渐渐 发布
Well written! A few comments:
1) Never start a sentence with "but". Some sentences also need to be re-structured.
2) If your intention is to give this letter to the school administrative staff, use "you" instead of "we" just because it is more appealing.
3) Last 2 paragraphs can be combined, and ease up on the emotional slogans.
4) Be assertive, and use facts rather than emotions.
渐渐居然抽空为我们评稿,太好了,一直都很佩服渐渐的语言能力,想跟你学习学习,能具体讲讲需要re-structured的句子吗?离开学校时间长了,很多语法都已用得不够确切,肯定会有想的不周到的地方,渐渐有空的话,再给俺指导指导吧,谢啦!