精华 [讨论] 家庭暴力

[kool]

最初由 渐渐 发布
您说家庭暴力要用爱来解决，能具体说说吗？您说的爱是指如果有人打了您的左脸，您应该伸出右脸让人打的那种爱吗？
还有，您说“失败的婚姻也是失败的人生“。如果一个人因为种种原因离了婚，那他/她这头几十年就算白活了吗？
我是什么样的人似乎跟本话题无关，我是否客观也不应在讨论范围之内对吗？Do you think you can get over talking about me?

本来我是不想为这话题去辩论什么， 因为如果双方是站在敌对立场上来解决这个问题， 那是不太可能， 最终结果是不欢而散， 或是一方打倒一方收场。

既然您真的想讨论用什么方式最好来解决家庭问题， 我可以先来问你一个问题，从你前面所有的观点来看， 你对一个好男人的标准是不现实的。

1) 您是不会喜欢---有了家庭矛盾， 男人二话不说， 开口就骂， 不顺就开打的男人， 你是肯定深恶痛绝的。

2) 那么你希望是可以和你摆事实讲道理的人， 但你又嫌这种男人婆婆妈妈， 有着纠缠细节通病的上海人？ 你又不喜欢

3) 那剩下的就是绝对服从， 唯唯诺诺， 一切听领导的男人， 那也不对呀， 这样也不会有什么所谓的家庭矛盾啦。。。

那么什么样的男人可以符合你的标准？？？， 你可能会回答， 希望是个成熟而又宽容， 通情而又达理的男人。。但你要知道怎么才是通情，它的大前提就是必须双方是站在同一立场上来针对发生的问题， 这样才可能通情。。在这样的前提下来达成共识，解决矛盾， 这样才能做到达理。。。那么什么才是连接这些行为的纽带呢？？ 那就是真诚和爱。。其实家庭暴力是家庭问题的极端表现， 如果矛盾在开始就可以妥善解决也就没有极端可言，还能推动家庭更健康发展， 矛盾是事物发展的根本。。有矛盾不是什么坏事。。矛盾的演变才是关键， 结果才是意义所在。。

法律是在道德和情感无法判断和解决矛盾时才用的不得以的手段。。人应该是以道德和良知作为行为准则， 而不是法律。。如果人类日常生活都需要用法律来解决每个生活问题的时候， 这个社会就只充满了仇恨和冷酷。。以没有任何生机了。

这就是我对问题的态度， 也是我的观点和浅见。。请您多提宝贵意见， 但千万不要把和你有不同意见的人先放在对立面上。。

 

[kool]

by the way, I believe this topic is a good topic. wish everyone has happy family

 

[oread]

Love has very little to do with family life.

I think what constitute a happy family are:
respect,
tolerance,
frequent and honest communication.

 

[kool]

最初由 渐渐 发布
Love has very little to do with family life.

I think what constitute a happy family are:
respect,
tolerance,
frequent and honest communication.

你没有回答， 什么样的男人才是你认为的好男人，
还有你说的这些幸福家庭的基础条件， 这些行为归根结底都是建立在人性的爱和良知上，
如果人性中缺乏了这基本的东西。。人的行为就不会 respect, tolerance and honest.

我说的是一个根本， 你所说的是一个行为表现。

be very honestly to you, if you think love just a little to do a family life..then I think u are not a warm heart person. fundation for family is love.

 

[oread]

Once again, I think my personal preference (on men or otherwise) has nothing to do with this topic. :smokin:

BTW, the Pollyanna world is warm and fuzzy, but it's not real life. Can someone who's actually married or who actually lives a family life comment on this?

最初由 kool 发布


你没有回答， 什么样的男人才是你认为的好男人，
还有你说的这些幸福家庭的基础条件， 这些行为归根结底都是建立在人性的爱和良知上，
如果人性中缺乏了这基本的东西。。人的行为就不会 respect, tolerance and honest.

我说的是一个根本， 你所说的是一个行为表现。

be very honestly to you, if you think love just a little to do a family life..then I think u are not a warm heart person. fundation for family is love.

 

[kool]

你还是没直接回答我的问题， <<I think my personal preference (on men or otherwise) has nothing to do with this topic>> I think it do. 因为是你在这里和大家讨论一个和男人有着密切关系的话题。。你对男人的观点和看法直接影响你的思维和言论， 怎么可以说没关系和没有影响呢？

当你在绚丽的晚霞映照下的沙滩上， 一对两鬓斑白的老人相依着漫步在这余辉里。。脸上的微笑描述着他们走过的岁月时。。哪才是人生的意义。。。那才是真正的幸福。。。不妨您去问问他们什么是爱。。好了， 这个话题到此为止。。

 

[oread]

I do have my thoughts on men, but don't you think it's rude and highly inappropriate for you to ask what I think about men? especially from a self-labelled "educated" Shanghainese man. 失眠夜 should be a more appropriate forum for your particular interests in men talks.

The fact is, family life is really quite "boring", 柴米油盐酱醋茶, nothing is as touching and warm and fuzzy as in the Pollyanna's world. From my personal experience, I think family is a little bit like a corporation, each member must work hard in order to achieve profit, in this case, a happy family. Like a corporation, there should be basic values that family members endorse, values like respect, tolerance and open communication. These values not only serve as principles, but also as ground rules that govern the familial functions.

I'm not a cynical person, mais c'est la vie, like it or not.
Once again, can someone who's living a family life make a comment?

 

[oread]

Back to the original topic: can LOVE stop a husband from beating his wife? Can LOVE stop cheating? Can LOVE feed a poor family struggling to survive?

If indeed so, give us some useful examples/tips.

 

[kool]

我们都在从根本上寻找解决家庭问题的方式， 你却一直在转移话题和避开根本来讨论。
包括你的发问都是不符合逻辑的。
original topic: can LOVE stop a husband from beating his wife? Can LOVE stop cheating? Can LOVE feed a poor family struggling to survive?

i am telling u>>> yes! can

if husband still is beating his wife, that means there is no love from this man's heart...then he needs love.
if there is love, cheating won't happen.
the third question is a little bit too far ... but i still can answer u, between the human if there is enough love, they won;t be struggling for survive.

back to the bottom line, if human will give up their selfish, then love can change everything.

you are too realistic and forget human has love! and this is the fundation of all our life.
not money, power and law!

BTW, I believe who marry u, this man will ready for 3 rings in his life for sure.(Engage ring, wedding ring, and .......)

 

[oread]

You are a believer, aren't you? I used to be, but not anymore, I learned and I moved on. It's unfortunate, but it's the reality.

The original topic was: what are the devastating effects, mental or physical, that family abuse will bring to a woman.

My own goals for this discussion are:
1. Provide information to abused women that help is out there (this was my primary goal)
2. Try to find the root cause of domestic abuse (I know this is a complexe topic, and without in-depth reading and research, one could simply guess, and that's what we did)
3. Lessons learned if there is any (obviously we have not reached this goal yet, too few comments, however given the complexity of family matters, this was only intended to be a side goal)

 

[kool]

I do understand your concerns and goal, but that is not the way to really fix the problem, I always believe we should avoid the problem instead fix the problem after.

simple reason, fix problem will takes much more time, energy and money. if we can avoid before it happen, it is a much better sulotion. my goal is to avoid it instead to fix it or to help it after.

this is same as our health, we should take care and watch out daily, our really sulotion are not durgs and surgeries, do u agree?? i am not saying u are wrong, just we have different opinion.
actaully i am looking for something about teen-age drug control program for the community after work with my colleagues, maybe you can try to do something to help those family problems in the community.
only one thing i don't agree with u, you like to put someone at ur opposites first, then start to deal the problem. that is hard to solve the problem, be very honestly.

wish you happy too, how's ur dog do??

 

[oread]

Some problems are inevitable. I don't want to give abstract advice, because each family is different, is unique in its own ways. It's unrealistic not to mention superficial to use generalized "rules" if you will to solve family problems.

Whereas Chinese books like to talk about "should do", Canadian books are more focused on "what to do", in other words, much more detailed questions and answers. This is something I discovered after living in both places for a while. For example: Chinese books on pregnancy rarely talked about how to deal with specific problems, they gave more generalized ideas as what to expect during pregnancy and nursing; Canadian books are far more detailed on specific problems, feelings, questions and answers.

While it's always good to bear those happy family rules in mind, it is however more helpful to provide realistic alternatives and solutions to specific problems, in our case, family abuse. I had not even dreamt of solving any family problems, that would be too shallow and overly optimistic. What I tried to accomplish here was simply to INFORM, to the best of my ability, knowing that HELP IS OUT THERE, and to discuss possible cause and effects.

You have been quite vocal and honest in your opinions, then let me give you a comment: you are too quick to pass your judgement, right or wrong, you need to listen more.

 

[kool]

you still talk about HOW TO FIX & SOLVE the problems. i didn't give any of my judgement here, I was just give my opinion and suggestion, i give solutions to help and avoid this kind of family problem will happen in our community.

"should do" is give a clear navigation to some one have no knowledge about it.
"what to do" is give a roadmap to some one can be educated.

we need both in our life. more details some times make people confuse and fuzzy

你很坚持你的观点和态度， 这点很好， 如今能执着的人不多了，但同时你这人成见太深。。呵呵， 从和你交谈里可以很明显的感到， 这是我个人和你交谈下来的感觉。

人是多面性的， 也是可塑性的， 从基本和开始做起的效果要比后面问题出现在去弥补要好的多。。
我想你是同意这点的， 既然同样化时间去做， 我认为前者比较容易也比较明智的。。
世界上没有解不了的冤仇， 只要人的宽容和真情还存在。
虽然我们的出发点不同， 但希望是一样的， 都希望大家有幸福家庭，和美满的婚姻。。
我们也没必要在两个不同着手点的问题上多讨论了， 还是做点真的可以帮到这些问题家庭的实事吧。。哪怕是很小的开始。你说呢？？