The webpage about bullying from Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness Canada:
http://www.prevention.gc.ca/en/library/features/bullying/index.html
I think following article has helpful info:
Why my child?
Being bullied has very little to do with your child or their personality. While bullies may harass your child about things like their appearance, their personality, the clothes they wear, or any other multitude of things, overall this is not really "why" they are being bullied. For instance, there may be two children in the same classroom with red hair, one will be bullied and the other will not. Not everyone who is short or wears glasses or gets great marks in school will be bullied, but some of these children are. Bullies usually choose some aspect of the child and use that as a tool to gain power over the child who is being victimized. External deviation (being different in some way) is not the reason your child is being harassed. Generally speaking, bullying happens because the bully has a problem.
It has been discovered through research that one of the things bullied children do have in common is that they lack assertiveness. One thing that children can do to help themselves from being bullied, is to act assertively when approached by a bully. They should look the bully in the eye and tell them to stop it, in a forceful confident tone. However, it is often not in the bullied child's nature to act assertively. Many bullied children come from good homes and have good relationships with their parents, and have no experience in dealing with abusive relationships. They are often gentle, sensitive children. When being bullied, young people are subjected to behaviour that is simply not what one would ordinarily expect-kids are slapped in the head, shoved into lockers, have objects thrown at them, avoided at school, called names, and targeted for numerous other acts of aggression. Bullying is abnormal behaviour on the part of the bully, and there is often no way to predict when or how a bully will strike next. Children are often unprepared and when targeted for abuse by a peer, children often do not know how to handle it, and may deal with it either by avoidance or they may respond ineffectively. Realistically, there are very few children who have social skills to effectively put an end to the abnormal behaviour of another child.
Sometimes children can deal with bullying on their own, or with the help of their peers, but mostly they will need adult advocates, either their parents, or teachers, or the group leader or coach, to stop the bullying. You may need to get involved and take action to intervene when bullying happens to your child. Bullying involves a power imbalance, and the power is decidedly tipped in favor of the bully: adults can step in and take the power to abuse away from the bully. By dealing with bullying in a direct manner, you are setting a positive example for your child, and modelling behaviour that will help them become more assertive in dealing with future incidents.
From research, we know that children are more likely to tell their parents than a teacher or coach or counsellor about bullying. When they told you about the bullying, they have taken an important step in coping with the bullying. They have told an adult they trust, and should reasonably expect that you will be able to help them. Telling an adult is a form of activing assertively.
When a child tells you about bullying, please don't tell them to ignore the bullying. What the child "hears" from you, is that you are going to ignore it. Usually, ignoring the bullying allows it to become worse, and if the child was able to simply ignore it, it is quite likely that you would never have heard about it in the first place! Adults are subject to many myths and misconceptions about bullying "Just Ignore Them", "Walk Away", It's Character Building","Kids will be Kids", and other such sayings are all things we heard when we were growing up, but unfortunately, these types of responses only allow the bullying to continue. Most of the misconceptions we have stem from an idea that in essence, we should act passively when targetted by a bully, when in reality, the opposite is true. Children do not need to "learn" to deal with bullying on their own, the majority of children are not bullied, and get by in life quite nicely without ever having learned how to deal with a peer who is bullying them. The most effective coping strategy that your child can learn is to report the bullying to an adult who will take action in stopping the bullying.
I'm not there, what can I do?
Many parents feel helpless when their child is being bullied, particularly when it happens at school, at summer or hockey camp, etc. the parent is not present and has very little control over the situation. You can should expect that the adult who is supervising your child ensure that they are safe from bullying. In Alberta, the School Act obligates schools to provide a safe and caring environment in which to learn, other provinces in Canada have similar expectations in their School Acts In other situations, such as sports and youth organizations, your child has rights as well. Empower yourself by becoming more informed about your child's rights, find out what rules and regulations the organization or school has in place to deal with bullying.
Advocating for your child:
You are often the expert when it comes to your child, you see how the bullying affects them, and know how they generally cope with situations and what would be helpful to them. Additionally, no other person is going to care about the safety and well-being of your child as much as you do. Adults are often afraid to report bullying for the same reasons children are: they are afraid they will make things worse, because they are embarrassed, ashamed,or simply don't know what to do. Quite often, they are afraid to get involved because they fear being labeled as an overprotective parent, or believe that there must be something there child can do for themselves to stop the bullying.It may surprise you to know that in the majority of cases, once the bullies have been spoken to about the bullying, the bullying will stop. Don't be afraid to call the school, the coach, group leader, or even the parents of the bully if it happens outside of an organized activity.and ask them to talk to the child who is doing the bullying. Quite often, the bullying will end once it has been "found out" and the child has been talked to and told to stop.
How do I know when is it time to get involved?
There is often a bullying "cycle", which usually starts out with minor teasing; when the targeted child fails to respond or responds inadequately, then the bully feels safe to increase the bullying to a higher level, and it gradually (sometimes rapidly) escalates, often to the point of despair for both the targeted child and the parent. It is best to try to stop the bullying in the early stages of the cycle.
Being bullied is not only humiliating, children who are being victimized become unhappy and confused, and feel that they are stupid or unattractive. Their concentration suffers, and their academic performance decreases. They may feel ill with headaches and stomach aches, and additionally, many young people are physically injured, sometimes seriously, as a result of bullying. Gradually, they may become accustomed to seeing themselves as failures, and some are even driven to the point of suicide to escape. It is now known that bullying can effect the health of both the child being bullied and the children who are doing the bullying. Children who bully may be destined for larger problems in the future, such as criminal activity, so the time for them to get help is now. As a guideline, if the bullying seems to be negatively affecting your child, then that is the time to take action. Unfortunately, if your child is the chronic victim of bullying, you will need to keep speaking out about it, each and every time it happens until the bullying is stopped.
Your child may not come right out and tell you that they are being bullied:
Here are some things to watch for:
may become withdrawn and depressed, or abnormally aggressive
may cry at night, or have nightmares
may feel sick to the stomach or have headaches, start stammering, be quieter than usual or appear to be depressed
marks in school may go down, may not want to go to school, begin skipping school, may not want to go on the school bus, change their normal route when walking to or from school, or be worried about walking to or from school
books or clothing may be destroyed, or they may have scratches or bruises, which they can't fully explain
become surly towards family members, and may bully other siblings
they may ask for money or steal money, or valuable items may go missing in attempts to pay off or bribe the bullies
Ask your child about their activities-who do they play with at recess, eat lunch with at lunch time, work on projects at school with-does it appear that they have no friends? When they play sports, are they given an equal opportunity to play? At their youth organization, do they have someone to talk and buddy with there? Almost every youth activity welcomes adults supervisors, if you have the opportunity, go along with your child and observe their interactions with other kids yourself. If you suspect that your child is being bullied, it is best to ask them directly.
If your child has been bullied:
Calmly talk with your child about their experience.
Make a note of what your child says-in particular who was said to be involved, how often the bullying has happened, where it happened and what has happened.
Reassure your child that they have done the right thing to tell you about the bullying.
Explain to your child that if any further bullying happens, they must report it to the adult in charge immediately, or inform you so that you may report it.
Contact the adult who was in charge of supervising the child, whether that be the coach, group leader, teacher, bus driver, or the parents of the bully.
Your child may beg you not to tell anyone, they may have fears that the bullying will get worse, that they will be seen as a "crybaby" or a "snitch". Explain to your child why bullying is not a secret, that they are not at fault for the bullying, and that the bully needs to be dealt with in order to get the bullying stopped.
When talking with the other adult:
Stay calm, the other adult may have no idea that your child is being bullied, or heard a different version of the story.
Be as specific as possible about what your child says happened: dates, times, who was involved.
If you are talking with the parent of the bully, ask the parent to get their child's version and get back to you.
Discuss how problems can be avoided in the future.
Make a note of what action will be taken.
Remember, that most of the time bullying will stop once it has been "found out". You should reasonably expect and therefore you should request that if it does not stop, or that your child is retaliated against for reporting the bullying, that some sort of consequence to the bully be imposed by the supervising authority such as the school or activity leader.
Reporting bullying to the school:
It may help to report bullying if your child keeps a log book or diary of events of what they are going through. Record what happens, when, where, who was involved, and witnesses, if any. This is particularly helpful if individual incidents appear to be minor, but the accumulation of a number of incidents is what is making the situation intolerable for the child. The recorded information can then be presented to the school. However, providing written documentation is not a necessity, you can also expect that someone at the school will be experienced enough in interviewing in order to ask your child the information they need to assess the problem.
If the bullying has taken place at school, it is the responsibility of the school to ensure that your child is safe when they attend there. You should make your complaint in writing if possible (keep a copy for yourself) or if you telephone or speak to someone at the school in person, make sure to write down notes about what was said, particularly what action will be taken. You might then consider sending a letter as a follow up to the conversation. (ie. "Further to our telephone conversation of today's date, you indicated that you would be investigating the situation regarding my child and his claims that two children are harassing him, and that you would get back to me. I expect to hear from you in this matter by tommorrow afternoon...")
Give the staff at the school a reasonable amount of time to investigate. Staff should get both sides of the story, which means getting the bullies version of the events. Sometimes, bullies will make false allegations about a child as an additional way of bullying them, so it is important that they do not jump to hasty conclusions and start assigning blame without a thorough assessment of the situation.
Get a copy of the school's discipline policy, and become acquainted with your School Division's policy on student Code of Conduct.
If you have reported bullying to your child's teacher, and things do not improve either write to, or make an appointment to see the Principal. Keep a written record of the meeting or a copy of the letter you send. Make a note of what action will be taken and when.
If the Principal is unable, or unwilling to intervene, write a letter to your School Board, asking for further action to be taken.
In the last resort, contact the Minister of Learning.
If a serious incident of bullying has occurred, or the abuse is ongoing, you may be considering removing your child from the school until the bullying is resolved to your child's satisfaction. Since school attendance is mandatory, you may will need to check the School Act to see if you are able to keep them at home until the bullying is resolved. In Alberta, you can consult the following site:
http://www.qp.gov.ab.ca/Documents/acts/S03.CFM under s.13(5) of the School Act, to determine whether you can keep your child at home, when their physical or psychological well-being is in jeoprody. Take your child to your physician and ask for a note if it is affecting their health.
For elementary school children, many parents have found that removing a child from the school playground at break time can greatly help the situation. Negative situations that begin in the schoolyard are often carried on throughout the school day in the halls and in the classroom, so if some of the interaction between your child and the bully and can be avoided then your child will be safer. Schools seem extremely reluctant to "deprive" a child of their outside play time at recesses and breaks, you may need to insist that your child be kept inside at recesses on a trial period of a week or two weeks, at that time the situation can be re-assessed. Bullying can be greatly reduced if the child is not around for the bully to harass. Make alternate arrangements for lunch time (can your child go to yours or a friends home for lunch, or are there organized activities that they can sign up for?) Can you have your child arrive at school as close to the start time as possible, and pick them up after school somehow? For younger children, school playgrounds are often where a lot of school bullying happens, if the child is not there to be bullied, it decreases a lot of problems in the classroom during the rest of the school day. While it may seem unfair, and impose hardships upon parents to make adjustments such as these, it serves to avoid some of the opportunities for the child to be bullied, and will greatly reduce their stress.
Sometimes, a change of class or school will greatly help a child, but these options need to be considered only if the current school cannot intervene effectively and end the bullying. This applies to other activities such as sports and youth club activities as well. Many parents anguish over how to resolve the bullying, only to find that bullying stops completely after moving their child to a different team or youth group with a different approach to supervising children.
Bullying happens in every school, with a whole school approach, bullying can be reduced. If your school does not have an anti-bullying policy, or an active prevention plan, work with your school or School Council to develop one. Or see if you can motivate other parents to work with you to request they get one, if they refuse. Examine your school's supervision arrangements, is there a proper ratio of adults to students? School playgrounds and hallways are two of the most common spots for bullying to take place, and supervisors need to monitor these and other areas effectively.This needs to be addressed by the school if there is not. While it is a young person who does the bullying, the school ethos is extremely important in the prevention of bullying and intervention in bullying situations and some schools are more effective preventing bullying than others.
Ultimately, when dealing with the prevention of bullying at schools, legislation needs to be put into place that every school be required to have a written anti-bullying policy. Additionally, it has been proven that bullying decreases with increased and effective adult supervision. This transfers to other youth activities, do they have a written code of conduct, and is there appropriate adult supervision?
Also:
If a criminal offence has taken place such as threats, extortion, physical violence, stalking, etc., contact your police department and report it. If the police officer you speak to does not take your complaint seriously, try going in to make your complaint on a different shift, or contacting the officer in charge of the detachment. Often, early intervention by police officers can prevent future serious incidents. If the bullying child involved is under the age for being charged (12 in Canada), if the bullying is serious or repeated, they can still intervene for you by mediating with the other parents or seeing if Child Welfare involvement is necessary.
For serious cases of bullying, you may want to talk to a lawyer for information on peace bonds or restraining orders.
Parents can become effective advocates for their child by learning more about thier child's rights, and educating themselves more about the dynmaics of bullying. There are many resources available, such as books, articles and websites on the Internet.
Helping your child may take active involvement on your part and it may take time to resolve, but bullying can be stopped.
FOR FREE AND CONFIDENTIAL HELP, E-MAIL CABA AT
caba@stopbullyingme.ab.ca
