何去何从

[hcloud]

嗯
婚戒戴在项链上。

 

[西西妈]

[FONT=&quot]Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Yet, grief is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some time or other. We will all inevitably experience loss. Whether it is a loss through death, [FONT=&quot]divorce[/FONT] or some other loss, the stages of grieving are the same. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The 5 stages of grief[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the five stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL five stages must be completed for healing to occur. [/FONT]


The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

 

[一个伤心的女人]

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to fascilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

Very informative. Thanks for sharing. I guess I am still wondering between stage 4 and 5, but more or less stage 5 mainly.

I think I can make it as far as I can sleep through the night. I become very irritated when I can't get any sleep for couple of days in a row. Some time, I have to use a sleep pill, but I don't want to depend on it too much. at one stage, I was very nervous when I went to sleep every night, hoping that I won't wake up 2 o'clock in the morning.

Good thing is, my kids are very supportive. They never blamed me for anything, and they start to help me doing some house work and they understand that our finance will be tight, so they don't ask for anything unreasonable as they did before. They're good kids and I am proud of them and I hope they'll never regret me being their mother.

 

[ccc]

高手出点具体的、高层次的对策给楼主，让楼主最大可能地保护自己的利益，最大限度地弥补对楼主造成的精神伤害。

 

[西西妈]

类似一个帖子里有人说：谈钱伤感情，谈感情伤钱。楼主伤了心了，有人的荷包是一定要伤了的，早晚的事。楼主决定离婚就是保护自己和孩子的利益，村长还是很体恤民情的哈。

 

[山野村妇]

对我来说，这事也不完全是别人的事。。。想当年，我也有过和您非常相似的经历。。。所以我特别能理解你现在的感觉。

只是我没你那么心肠好，记得我当时的第一反应就是：哪儿有卖耗子药的？ 并且我马上给我国内的家人打电话询问这件事。。。不过当时我弟弟的一句话把我给逗乐了， 他说：国内现在的离婚率很高，所以耗子药涨价了。。。

看别人的故事和自己身在其中显然是两回事。。。

 

[西西妈]

对我来说，这事也不完全是别人的事。。。想当年，我也有过和您非常相似的经历。。。所以我特别能理解你现在的感觉。

只是我没你那么心肠好，记得我当时的第一反应就是：哪儿有卖耗子药的？ 并且我马上给我国内的家人打电话询问这件事。。。不过当时我弟弟的一句话把我给逗乐了， 他说：国内现在的离婚率很高，所以耗子药涨价了。。。

这个弟弟水平高，这样的亲友团最强大。

 

[一个伤心的女人]

对我来说，这事也不完全是别人的事。。。想当年，我也有过和您非常相似的经历。。。所以我特别能理解你现在的感觉。

只是我没你那么心肠好，记得我当时的第一反应就是：哪儿有卖耗子药的？

还是你厉害

我妹妹总是说我对他无边无沿的宠，对他的钱从来不过问，他想干什么就干什么，这样的男人不出轨，得多高的觉悟啊。

我想我没什么原则，所以对这些乱七八糟地事情有一些耐受力，而且我对他盲目地信任。

这次，本来已打算委屈求全，但是她容不下我的存在，当她把我老公的戒指要过去扔掉之后，我就知道自己在这出戏里的角色已经结束了，是该退出的时候了。

曲终人尽，凄凉是难免的。

 

[ccc]

类似一个帖子里有人说：谈钱伤感情，谈感情伤钱。楼主伤了心了，有人的荷包是一定要伤了的，早晚的事。楼主决定离婚就是保护自己和孩子的利益，村长还是很体恤民情的哈。

马善被人骑啊。希望楼主心里有数。

伤荷包，那是忒客气了。应该让他有生之年，想起这次离婚就再也不想找小四了。

楼主的老公既然＂舍不得＂小三，那他就把房子留下、把钱（包括RRSP、RESP）也都留给老大和两个孩子，净身出户，从头开始啊！这才像个男人。说什么＂以后他还会照顾我（楼主）和孩子们＂、＂离婚后会比现在对我（楼主）好＂统统是空头支票、瞒天过海的欺骗和谎言。

其他不肯定。但是，只要楼主和孩子住在那栋房子里，那栋房子的一半以上就得割下来。

 

[Ayin_Ottawa]

马善被人骑啊。希望楼主心里有数。

伤荷包，那是忒客气了。应该让他有生之年，想起这次离婚就再也不想找小四了。

楼主的老公既然＂舍不得＂小三，那他就把房子留下、把钱（包括RRSP、RESP）也都留给老大和两个孩子，净身出户，从头开始啊！这才像个男人。说什么＂以后他还会照顾我（楼主）和孩子们＂、＂离婚后会比现在对我（楼主）好＂统统是空头支票、瞒天过海的欺骗和谎言。

其他不肯定。但是，只要楼主和孩子住在那栋房子里，那栋房子的一半以上就得割下来。

村长说得很对。

估计LZ也快到不惑之年了，wake up and smell the smell of queens.

至于他找不找三姨太，那就不是你需要worry的事情了。

 

[一个伤心的女人]

马善被人骑啊。希望楼主心里有数。

伤荷包，那是忒客气了。应该让他有生之年，想起这次离婚就再也不想找小四了。

楼主的老公既然＂舍不得＂小三，那他就把房子留下、把钱（包括RRSP、RESP）也都留给老大和两个孩子，净身出户，从头开始啊！这才像个男人。说什么＂以后他还会照顾我（楼主）和孩子们＂、＂离婚后会比现在对我（楼主）好＂统统是空头支票、瞒天过海的欺骗和谎言。

其他不肯定。但是，只要楼主和孩子住在那栋房子里，那栋房子的一半以上就得割下来。

其实他没什么钱，因为平时大手大脚惯了，现在又要养着外面的，更是拮据了。

我妈也经常对我说＂人善被人欺＂。象我这样的人，又软弱，又没主意，又总怕对不起别人，如果你不欺负我，你一定是个好人。

他会把房子留给我们，但是还有好多贷款，我也不知道撑不撑得下来，但我会尽力。

做人，心安比什么都重要。

 

[西西妈]

如果这样做心安就这样，但要对得起孩子，父亲出轨离婚要孩子们拮据度日吗？
不过，除非他销声匿迹，该出的扶养费以后也能再要，疗伤第一，健康至上。

 

[山野村妇]

看把村长给急的，好像生怕楼主的老公跑掉似的。不过我知道村长是个大好人，难怪村里的姐妹中现在流行一种说法叫做：嫁人要嫁ccc...

不过从楼主对她老公的感情上来讲，以及为了孩子的成长有好处， 我想楼主应该和他保持一个朋友关系， 但朋友归朋友，经济上他是要出血的：

1）如果你们的家产在三五十万以内，他不应该带走一分钱的。当然从法律角度上讲，夫妻离婚财产应该一人一半，但他是有过错方，他给你造成的精神伤害是很难用钱衡量的。 不过，如果你们有更多的财产，就给他带走点吧。

2) 他每个月要给你和孩子一定的生活费，特别是孩子的生活费，法律上有比较明确的规定，况且你先生有错在先，他也应该多给一些，一直给到两个孩子大学毕业。

3）看得出来，你先生现在还经常打电话来安慰你，并且保证将来照顾你和孩子，那么这也不是一件坏事。男人往往扔掉老婆之后，感到内疚，就拼命的补偿。。。你完全可以给他机会让他发挥余热。 所以建议你的两个孩子一个去学钢琴，一个去学小提琴，个头高的打篮球，个头矮的去练乒乓球。。。这些课外活动都要由他负责接送。。。

4）你自己呢，除了做好自己的工作并安排好两个孩子的生活以外，锻炼身体，找对象，谈恋爱。。。那么一切都会好起来的， 祝你成功！

估计你老公若是看到我这个帖子会恨死我的，不过不管那么多，谁让他现在“幸福”了！

高手出点具体的、高层次的对策给楼主，让楼主最大可能地保护自己的利益，最大限度地弥补对楼主造成的精神伤害。

马善被人骑啊。希望楼主心里有数。

伤荷包，那是忒客气了。应该让他有生之年，想起这次离婚就再也不想找小四了。

楼主的老公既然＂舍不得＂小三，那他就把房子留下、把钱（包括RRSP、RESP）也都留给老大和两个孩子，净身出户，从头开始啊！这才像个男人。说什么＂以后他还会照顾我（楼主）和孩子们＂、＂离婚后会比现在对我（楼主）好＂统统是空头支票、瞒天过海的欺骗和谎言。

其他不肯定。但是，只要楼主和孩子住在那栋房子里，那栋房子的一半以上就得割下来。

 

[always]

现在尽量少想他和她，少回忆。分散注意力在其他方面，工作，孩子，锻炼，兴趣班。。。
运动可以产生让人体高兴的激素，帮助睡眠。不知道你的insurance cover心理学家吗，可以试一试。
恢复身体和精神最重要，千万别落下什么毛病，路还长呢，多不值啊。
已经发生了就别祥林嫂了，别总觉得老天不公。换个想法，想想每人这辈子都有磕碰，人生一部分。
真想帮你，不过很多事确实要靠你自己。

 

[always]

离婚这种烦心事让他去办，该拿的钱别拿少了。也别想着拖着或报复。你自己开始新生活，好生活是对他最大的报复。人生苦短，别浪费时间在过去。
放开手，将来只会比你现在好。